


Metanoia

by someone_who_writes



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Apocalypse kind of but not zombies, Bruises, Character Study, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Holding Hands, Insomnia, Multi, Sleep Paralysis, Swearing, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:46:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someone_who_writes/pseuds/someone_who_writes
Summary: Trapped in an apartment. Death outside the window.Lee Howon picks up a pen and writes their story.Metanoia – A change in one's way of life resulting from penitence or spiritual conversion."what he demanded of people was metanoia, repentance, a complete change of heart"





	1. The Chaser / No Maker Made Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty self-explanatory - Infinite stuck in an apartment. I'm writing waiting for their contract renewal (if one of them doesn't renew, they die in the story lmao).  
> Metanoia is also the title of an IAMX album, which I found inspiration in and used for titles, alongside Infinite songs.  
> Each member has a chapter focusing on them.  
> It's a little heavy at times but not explicit, as it's written diary style. The shippy/sexy stuff sets in in the second half but is not the focus of the story.  
> If this is all good, start reading! This is my first published, proper fanfic and I'd really love reviews to keep me motivated.

**Day 1, 09/04/17**

I want to keep a diary of what happens. For some reason, I think we’ll be stuck here for a while.

At around 3pm today, one of the manager hyungs burst into the dance practice studio. He told me they were all looking for me, and to get my shit together and head to Sungyeol’s – he gave me until 4:30. He told me that all he knew was that we needed to be either holed up inside or far out of Seoul, and the second was no longer an option, as every way out was congested and chaotic. He said I had to pack for a long, long stay – to bring long lasting food and not clothes, on orders from the company director. I wasn’t as worried as I should have been.

Then he ran off, citing gathering the others and stuff. I did as I was told, and on the way back saw every shop was either closed or empty – as in empty of staff too. I stopped at one and grabbed as many cans as I could carry, and left all the bills I had under the till. It was weird, like everybody in Seoul disappeared into thin air while I was practicing, save for the cars rushing by.

I packed what I was told to and drove to Yeollie’s – it’s the biggest and newest, a penthouse in a nice complex – I made it there at 4:25. They were having a meeting, three managers and the members. The managers decided to go get a last batch of supplies and search for other people in the apartment complex, and I took a brief moment to check the internet on my phone.

It was chaos – ‘North Korea declares war on South’, ‘Impending Seoul chemical threat 5pm’, ‘Instructions from the department of security’ – I checked this one. It read, in plain black on white text, I quote:

‘Do not attempt to evacuate Seoul – the gas is expected to have a blast radius of 20 miles. Stay inside from 4:45 at all times – stock up on food and water. Attempt to seal up your place of residence to prevent the chemical attack from entering. All men with basic military training must report to their nearest government centre. More news will shortly arrive. Please do not panic.’

That would be why the only three managers there were the young ones who hadn’t done their military service yet. Our seven Infinite members were left in Yeollie’s apartment, with all the stuff we brought piled up around, and glued to our phones in the living room, in silence. They were checking the internet and talking to their parents.

I noticed, without disappointment, I had no missed calls or texts from my family. I felt a little proud of myself for expecting it, and not being hurt. I didn’t text them. They were safe in Busan – only my little brother would have cared, and he’s doing his military service. I worried a little for him, but I had no way of contacting him. I was happy to find most of the people I consider friends had texted me asking about my safety, and I quickly replied to them. It hit 4:40 too soon.

It was weird – until that point I was just trying to get things done, but then I realised the absurdity of the situation. It was, and still is, like a movie setting, too crazy to be real. An impending chemical bomb. The annihilation of Seoul. But most of all I just felt discomfort – for being left in Sungyeol’s apartment, I only visited a few times before (it was new), for not knowing what to say to the members as if we had just met again and for just not knowing how to respond. Rather than the fear, the lurch from a day-to-day idol routine was what left me helpless. No, not helpless, just reeling, breathless, temporarily.

I decided to do something about our safety, even if the others would rather be glued to their phones, so I found some thick plastic tape, and put it over the air vents in the two bedrooms and then over the joints in the windows in the lounge and kitchen. Someone turned on the TV – it read the same message. At 4:55 the managers still had not returned. I watched from the window for their car. We started talking about what to do – surely, we had to seal up the door too, but the managers still weren’t back yet. We put it off until 5:00, and then Sunggyu-hyung told us to seal it, quickly, so we did. Still, we waited for a knock.

According to my watch, it was 5:07 when a thick green mist spread through the streets and the skies on a strong gust of wind. The colour somehow reminded me of toothpaste. It was all you could see in the windows.

As expected, we were all on edge, but Sunggyu-hyung took control, and made us feel confident, although now, as always, I realise it was mostly empty words to quieten us down. It worked though. Dongwoo-hyung was the first to notice somebody screaming, somewhere. Sunggyu-hyung got us to play music to block it out. He told us what to do – add more tape to the windows and door, start sorting what we brought. It felt weird to play rock-paper-scissors to decide who got which bed, in this strange, strange atmosphere. I felt bad for Yeollie because he got the walk-in closet floor in his own house. I got the couch, and offered it to him, but he said he’d make a bed out of his clothes.

We worked, because Sunggyu-hyung told us to, and we didn’t know what else to do, with the fog filling up the window, feeling like the tape was bursting at the seams, and worrying about what we brought. I don’t think we did too badly – Sunggyu brought tonnes of vitamins and health supplements, and we have cans and crisps as well as rice and noodles. Sungyeollie went to get some clothes for me to borrow – I literally brought one spare t-shirt because I knew I could borrow from him (he has plenty of clothes to spare). I followed him after he didn’t return and Sunggyu was distracted.

He was frantically tapping on his phone screen, leaning on a rack of clothes, looking even more stressed. I decided to risk talking to him about it, even though I’m not the best with words, or comfort, or Sungyeol himself. I just asked him what was wrong and then he threw his phone onto a pile of clothes across the small room at my feet.

“The mobile network died.” He said, foully. I stepped towards him and tried to awkwardly pat his shoulder, and he pulled me in for a hug. I should have known he would do that – he’s a pretty touchy person in regular times. I gave him a few pats on the back, feeling painfully awkward. Finally, he released me. “I’ll get you your clothes.” He said, calmer.

“Got any purple? Anything not size giant and a half?” I tried, hoping he was in the mood for a joke.

Thankfully, he was. “I’m sorry sir, but we are fresh out of stock in anything that woefully unfashionable, or for people under six feet tall. You may wish to try the children’s section instead?” Perhaps he was in too good a mood.

Sunggyu sent us off to bed at around 11:00, saying we’d wake up bright and early tomorrow and continue with the chores, but I can still hear hushed voices from Sungyeol’s main bedroom which Myungsoo, Dongwoo and Sungjong had won. Myungsoo and Dongwoo in particular were talking a lot earlier over their phones.  They’re definitely worried about their parents but I don’t want to ask them about it because it’s probably a sensitive topic. Sunggyu-hyung won’t be worried about his parents, he’s probably in the same situation as me, but he has to take care of us instead. I don’t want to be a burden.

I’m writing this diary. Just… to keep track, I suppose. Of the fog, of the situation, to not forget, when we finally get out of here (if), to calm my mind a little too. There’s screaming outside again, it must be people dying. From the fog.

It’s strange. And a little scary. An idol group is not well prepared to deal with this, but our members are strong and I trust them. We can endure it.

**2, 10/04/17**

I couldn’t sleep on the couch, so I slept on the thick carpet right in front of the window. I woke up when the sun streamed straight through the green mist and onto my face, and as I didn’t feel like lying there, I went back to the kitchen and resumed clearing and counting. Jongie came in and helped me at about 9:00. I heard Myungsoo and Dongwoo’s hushed voices soon after. Then at around 11:00 Sunggyu popped round and called for a meeting. I think he was surprised we were actually working, which annoyed me a bit, as always. For a leader, he never thinks of getting up early to help himself.

We sat down and listened, perched on and around Sungyeol’s three sofas. He stressed the importance of the inventory and not touching the windows. Yeollie didn’t have a radio, and we checked and none of our phones had signal. He told us to prepare for when we didn’t even have electricity. It was clear everybody was worried about their families, and also the managers who didn’t return last night.

Sunggyu-hyung distracted us with chores, which I am really thankful for. And in the evening, Jongie sourced a pack of cards and me, him, Sunggyu and Woohyun played a few games. It was fun – we could pretend the apocalypse wasn’t happening out of the window, and we were careless (our concerns from back them seem like nothing now) trainees.

The talking drowned out occasional sounds of screams in the distance during the daytime. But it doesn’t now. I’m tempted to see if anyone else is awake to distract me.

-

2am. Every time I try to go to sleep I hear them again.

**-**

**3, 11/04/17**

I think the green fog seems a little thinner today. Perhaps it’ll clear soon. The screams were also fewer in number today.

We finished the inventory and chores this morning. Then the others quickly retreated to their rooms and I sat with Sunggyu-hyung and we tried to work out how to ration the food. I lay by the window again for a few hours and let my head drain of any thoughts and concerns for my brother, and for my bandmate brothers.

Sunggyu called another meeting and tried to distribute the chores. He put Woohyun and me on food, and himself on inventory. Sungyeol and Sungjong have to clean the clothes in the bathroom once the electricity goes, which Sunggyu is convinced will happen any second and Dongwoo and Myungsoo have house cleaning duty, as if there was much to clean. I’m not sure if putting us in pairs with our currently closest friends was a good idea – I feel like Dongwoo and Myungsoo will isolate themselves. Jongie started sticking to me, although he rooms with them, and Yeollie is definitely feeling lonely, with Myungsoo clinging to Dongwoo now.

I’m trying to make a plan for the food based on when it’ll go off. Sunggyu-hyung says I should factor in the electricity dying soon. I don’t know what we’ll do when that happens – most of the food is rice and noodles, and we need at least a kettle for that.

It made me realise – what if the water dies? We have only 10 litres between us (although someone thought it would be a good idea to bring soju). I don’t want to think about how long that would last us.

On second thought, I’ll have one more look at the short-dated stuff.

-

Maybe we should have tried to leave. I have no idea what’s happening outside, except for the screams. They have to be people dying.

Well, what can we do about it now. I’m just glad we’re all alive.

So I need to try and keep it that way.

-

 

**4, 12/04/17**

The mist is definitely fading. I can see the outlines of the buildings across from us now. Upwards is much clearer, and I think its darker near the ground. May just be the light.

 Still a few screams. The alarm nearby has finally faded.

 

 I'm worried about the others. What are they doing? Reading? Sometimes I hear talking but not always. They must be dying or boredom, like I am. (It’s starting to feel a little normal, which is weird.)

 Dongwoo and Myungsoo haven’t left their room yet, but at least they have each other. Sunggyu and Woohyun are tense but are communicating as normal, well, without the joking. Jongie seems... alright. He's not sleeping well, and he's talking to me a lot. Just not about the situation... he always freezes when he hears the screams, and I'm sure he's feeling left out from Dongwoo and Myungsoo's fast co-dependency.

 But I'm most worried about Sungyeol. The few times Jongie and I (and it has been only Jongie and I) have tried to talk to him he has been abrupt and rude. And he never leaves his 'room' - the tiny closet he has nested in. He has a few books and stuff in there, I glimpsed before he threw me out, so at least he's not going to die of boredom but...

 I wish Sunggyu would get his act together and lead us like he used to. He’s still very much our leader, he calls the shots, makes that plans and thinks about what we don’t, and he was never an example, a role model, or a hyung that the maknaes emotionally depended upon, but it seems like now all he cares about is himself.

 I wonder which I should do, try and snap Sunggyu out of it, or try and talk to Sungyeol and Myungsoo and Dongwoo myself. Dongwoo-hyung, bless him, is probably badly affected, and Myungsoo’s pessimism will not help, but I’ve never been the closest to Myungsoo, or Sungyeol, so I’m not too sure how to deal with them.

It’s late. I should sleep.

**5, 13/04/17**

The fog is quickly thinning up here – it’s barely colouring the view at our level, but I think it’s darkening below us. We are on the 34th floor, after all, and the tallest building in the nearest few streets, meaning before we could see pretty much everything before the fog set in. Perhaps it’ll clear quickly, in a week or two, and we can leave. I mean, I assumed that the green air means poisoned air, but what if it goes beyond that? What if it’s just the dye that’s sinking? Well, at least we’re safe in here.

 At around 2pm, Jongie gathered a few of us to play a game again - probably trying to maintain a sense of normalcy in this crazy, fucked up .... situation. He hadn't tried Myungsoo, or Dongwoo - he's probably guessed they'd say no. I heard Sunggyu turn him down, citing taking a shower now it was free, and he accosted Woohyun as he left the bathroom, hair damp. Then he asked me, and of course I agreed. It wasn't like I could say I had more important things to be doing, and I figured it could be a nice distraction.

 Then, he did what I was not expecting - he knocked, and wandered into Sungyeol's closet-now-turned-voluntary-prison, and miraculously, left a minute later with the big baby following, although glaring holes into the back of his head.

 I really have no idea how he does it sometimes. (Bribery?)

 When Sungyeol turned his eyes to Woohyun and me, though, his expression soured further. But he sat down by the coffee table in the lounge without complaint, and kept quiet, eyes firmly directed out the window into the fading green haze.

 We played 7-card whist, like we used to in the dorm. Sungyeol and I were both eliminated in the 5-card round. He made a move to get up, but didn’t make it far. Sungjong tugged him back down and smiled his evil maknae smile, and sweetly said ‘You can wait for the next round, hyung’, and Yeollie sat down as if pulled by an invisible force. We made it through the next few rounds, Sungyeol practically exuding irritation and me watching him through the side of my eye, until Jongie gave a cheer at winning the final round. Somehow this broke whatever fine thread of patience Sungyeol was holding onto and he just snapped.

“How the fuck can you act as if nothing has happened? As if it’s all still okay? How can you still play shitty games and smile and cheer like…” He sneered, “like the whole of Seoul hasn’t gone to shit and there’s nothing we can fucking do but sit here on our asses and wait for the managers to come back, which, by the way, they never will! Like our families aren’t somewhere out there, in the mist, and we have no idea if they made it out or not! Like all we can do is not just sit here and wait until the food-“

Sungjong went red and stood up, and roared (or at least roared for someone as gentle as Sungjong) “At least I’m fucking trying, asshole, unlike someone who’s only brooding and sitting there trying to make everybody else feel worse! I get that maybe the world has gone to shit and you’re feeling shitty but you _being_ a shit about it is definitely not helping!”

Sungyeol pushed him a little from across the table. Now would be a perfect time for Sunggyu-hyung to appear and leader-ly diffuse the situation but… He didn’t. “Fuck you, you know as well as anyone that nothing we can do…” I caught Woohyun’s eye and we quietly moved around the table in between Sungjong and Sungyeol.

“Sungyeol-ah,” I started quietly, and gently grabbed his wrist to get his attention, “Calm down. You don’t mean it.”

“Jongie,” Woohyun joined in, “Come and help me in the kitchen.” He dragged him out, huffing like a kid.

I breathed a sigh of relief once Sungjong left, and the tension diffused significantly, but not entirely. I slid my hand down to get a good grip on Yeollie’s hand, trying to comfort him. He loves this kind of physical contact normally, although I’m rarely the one to participate in this kind of stuff. It worked, thankfully. His hand relaxed a little and lightly held mine back. “I’m sorry, Howon-ah. I didn’t mean to take it out on you guys.”

I gave a tiny smile, “It’s fine, I understand, with everything going on, everybody’s a bit stressed out.”

“Not you though, you keep it together. You even stay by that blasted window… “ His face tightened again. “And your whole family is still safe in Busan, huh.” He took his hand away. “I’m going to sleep.” He stormed back into his closet. I didn’t correct him.

I dropped in with dinner later, and true to his word, he was asleep. I left it next to him – it was just a sandwich anyway.

The sun had just set when I heard him, and saw in the window’s reflection him bolt out of the cupboard into the bathroom, looking pale as a ghost. He left the door open. I waited and listened. Then there was the sound of solid splattering against the toilet bowl. And retching. I got up and went over. He glared at me as I went in and closed the door.

There was nothing, really, for me to do except watch and rub his back as he convulsed. I got him tissues and a glass of water. He used the tissues on his tears. It felt awful to just watch him suffer like this, I can’t imagine how terrible he must have felt.

When his stomach had finally emptied itself and the phantom retches that follow subsided, he took the glass of water. “I’m sorry, Sungyeol-ah. It was probably the bread.” I stroked his hair once.

His shoulders shook a little, “Yeah, probably just the bread. It tasted a bit gross.” He shakily flushed the toilet and stood, then turned to me. I had to look up a little, but I saw his eyes were red-rimmed and lips pale, although curling up a little. “You’re not a very good chef, Howon.”

“Well I didn’t hear you gallantly volunteering to help me.” I reached out for his hand again, and his met mine half-way.

“No, you didn’t.” He chuckled, silently.

I took him back to his room. Sunggyu-hyung saw us from the kitchen and said nothing. I had him lie down on his bed and I crouched next to him, still attached by our hands.

“Although you must be hungry, let’s wait a little until I feed you again.”

He nodded. Somehow, he looked exhausted, although I’ve seen him dance for hours and look more energetic. I ran my other hand through his hair. I felt like I had to tell him.

“Hojun was on active duty on the border. I have no idea…” I confessed. I like to think I didn’t just want to prove him wrong, or get sympathy. “Him, and maybe mum too, were the only ones I care about. Dad, and Hojae are strangers to me. But it doesn’t matter – I don’t want to think about them and I don’t want you to think about them. I, personally, don’t want to dwell too much on worrying, even though it’s hard. Besides, the six most important people to me are right here, and I don’t want them to get hurt by me being preoccupied by the seventh and eighth.”

His eyes stayed shut, but I could tell what he was thinking. “I’ll try too. No promises, but I’ll try. You guys matter to me too. A whole lot.” He seemed sleepy. “I’ll apologise to Jongie tomorrow morning.”

“Okay.” I let him fall asleep holding my hand, me sitting over him.

I just left, having extracted my hand from his death grip when he was sleeping soundly enough, so I could write all of this down and sleep without a shelf digging into my back. This carpet is actually really comfortable, and I hide my diary under the sofa next to me. Somehow, I feel a little safer, a little more in control right next to the window.

**6, 14/04/17**

I was very glad to see the clouds in their pure white glory today, and I noticed a kind of border to the fog begin a floor below us. This was vital for what Sunggyu-hyung talked about later.

He came over to my spot in the late morning and quietly called me into his room – he had the look on his face that meant we were having a serious, work meeting. Except there was no ‘work’ anymore. It was just Woohyun, Sunggyu and I sitting on their bed. It smelled a little in there and felt stuffy.

He basically told us he was worried about us running out of air – which made sense. We had to seal everything off to not breathe in the fog meaning no fresh air was getting in either, and we were just slowly using up the remaining oxygen. He posed to us his plan – open an air vent, and then the other, and then the windows – he too had seen the fog lessening and hoped this meant the clear air was safe. “Either the air outside is poisoned too, and we die, or we run out of air and die. We will need to risk getting fresh air soon.”

He was right, as always, but Woohyunie had a good point, “I really don’t think we can open the air vents though, hyung. The rest of the building wasn’t sealed up, so it must have gotten in somehow, in whatever concentration. And there’s no breeze in here, and equally, no way out, so it won’t sink as fast as outside. And for all we know, the vents will be linked as low as the bottom floor, where it’s still really bad.” We agreed to open a window instead, at the very last possible moment – the later we could put it off, the better.

“Shouldn’t we tell the others, though? When do we tell them?” I had to bring up. It occurs to me now that Sunggyu-hyung only had a meeting with us because he trusted us to not panic, and to advise him well. I feel a little happy that he included me.

Sunggyu-hyung looked grim. I knew then that he had no plan of telling them. “Well, we can’t tell them afterwards, can we? Go ‘oh yeah, we risked all of your lives without telling you, but it turned out okay so get over it’? What if it doesn’t turn out okay?” I knew that they’d panic, but some part of me told me to be honest with them.

“I know, Howon-ah, but they’ll go crazy. They’re not coping well – Sungyeol doesn’t leave his closet and Myungsoo and Dongwoo are just wrapped up in their own world right now.” Sunggyu-hyung was using his stressed face, the one he uses when there is no winning solution.

Woohyun joined my side. “Howonie’s right though, the shit-fest after we don’t tell them will be much, much worse than the shit fest if we explain to them, calmly.”

Sunggyu ran a hand through his hair – his ultimate stressing habit. I suppose this situation deserves it. “We can decide later, when we have to do it. Just tell me if anyone is feeling short of breath, because I’m sure that means we have to do it.” He paused. “And I’m sure the electricity will die soon. I’m surprised it’s lasted this long. My only worry is that then, the hot water will stop. Or worse, all the water will stop. And we’ll only have days left after that.” Woohyun looked a little pale. “Or someone will come and rescue us. Boss said he’d tell people we were here, or maybe the managers will come back.” That last one was obviously a lie none of us believed. I realised then what the company had done – told us to stay and ran off themselves, although I believed that it would have been impossible to leave Seoul at the time, with everybody else leaving at once. Sunggyu-hyung had probably realised something was off. “Howon-ah, you’re using the stuff that rots first right, but you should juice the fruit, it’ll last longer. And use the kettle to boil as much ramen and rice as we can store – we have loads of it but it’ll be useless once we can’t cook it, and for now we can just microwave it. Make sure your phones are on full charge at all times, although they’re useless, we can turn them on later and check for signal.” He turned to Woohyun. “We’re doing all we can for now.”

Woohyun and I spent the rest of the day cooking rice and ramen, filling up every bowl and pan we could, but we still had loads of bags of rice left. I’m not sure about raw rice, but it’ll have to do. I don’t have much of a hope for rescue, we’re probably in a war zone right now. Well, Seoul will be ignored, but there will be some kind of North Korean invasion, surely. I wonder how the military is coping.

But spending time with Woohyunie-hyung was kind of fun, he’s still pretty relaxed, and he laughed at my underdone noodles a lot. The rest of the apartment was silent though, it felt a little like we should have been whispering, to maintain the silence, but there was no reason to. In the evening, Sunggyu coaxed Myungsoo and Dongwoo out of their room and we all played cards. It wasn’t so bad, really. Myungsoo and Dongwoo were attached to each other the whole time, but they weren’t angry or tense, just a little subdued. It felt a little weird, but it was even odder how easily we blended back together, back to the way we were just after we debuted, rather than to the deliberate distance we put between us after we moved out of the dorm.

Then Sunggyu recommended the use of some of the alcohol some angel had brought, and while we only used about a quarter of it and just got tipsy, not drunk, it was fun. We made a lot of noise, and talked like we used to, about everything but the last six days. Yeollie first fell asleep on the couch, and Jongie and Namu-hyung shortly followed. Sunggyu-hyung offered me the other half of their bed, which I took mostly just because he asked and I was drunk – I like my spot by the window.

That’s why I’m writing this now – it’s actually 9am on day 7. I don’t have a hangover, Gyu-hyung made me drink lots of water before going to sleep. I feel much better in fact - having seen the others relaxed yesterday, I’m sure he will be much more open to telling them the plan for when the Oxygen runs out.

**7, 15/04/17**

The fog keeps on sinking. I think it was hotter today, I’m not sure if that was the trapped air or just the weather though. As far as I can tell, we don’t need to open the windows quite yet.

It was alright today, actually. The other members seem fine. Dongwoo-hyung came over to my spot today and we had a chat, without Myungsoo. Yeollie and I even got his PlayStation on and we played some driving games, although we couldn’t use the internet features. One by one the others all joined in too – it was fun, like we were rookies messing around in our dorm again on a day off.

Only Sunggyu-hyung seems stressed – I didn’t manage to talk to him alone today but I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.

I don’t want to disturb the delicate calm we have going for us right now, but opening the windows will be the trial to decide if this can continue. I’m not sure which is the right call either – I’m glad I’m not the one who has to make the call.

**8, 16/04/17**

It’s definitely stuffy. I wonder if somehow a breeze could waft the fog upwards, through a window.

I realised something else last night. The others aren’t stupid, what if they realise that the air will run out? What if they think hyung hasn’t realised, and are going through the same struggle as we are of deciding to tell us or not? Surely Yeollie would realise – he’s pretty smart.

With this thought in mind, I went to Sunggyu and Woohyun’s room. Myungsoo and Dongwoo saw me go in through their open door. It’s impossible to hide where you go in this place – the footsteps sound impossibly loud in the quiet, although their door isn’t usually open. Maybe it was because they felt stuffy. Maybe they were suspicious from the first time Gyu called me to his room.

I told him that I thought we should explain to them the plan before they figured it out themselves. Woohyun agreed with me, and Sunggyu had already made up his mind – he told us to get them to the living room.

As Sunggyu explained why it had to be a window, and not a vent, I noticed Yeollie must have realised and told Jongie, they weren’t surprised or complaining at all. Dongwoo and Myungsoo, although obviously concerned, agreed as always – they have always been the most obedient to Sunggyu-hyung. Then he asked us to tell him when to do it, when we felt dizzy or hot or short of breath.

I haven’t felt any of those yet, just a little hungry – I have to make the portions pretty small, and I always end up feeling sorry for Jongie, or Yeollie, so I sometimes give them some of mine. I mean, they were too thin before we were stuck in here, and I needed to go on a diet anyway. I have felt a little sleepy though, which is weird because I’ve been sleeping from 10pm until 10am, which is more than I ever used to, and I’m not even doing any exercise. Speaking about exercise, Woohyun came in and did some push-ups earlier. He spends most of the day in the lounge with me, and we read some of Sungyeol’s random assortment of books or talk. I remembered he said he was claustrophobic a few times and I asked him if he felt it here, but he said no. I also talked to Yeollie again, and offered him a couch, because I wasn’t even using one, but he said he had gotten used to his closet. I can relate to that, with my spot on the floor, but his closet is starting to smell.

The electricity could die any second now. It’ll be hard enough to cope without cooking appliances, but I wonder how we’ll cope without light.

**9, 17/04/17**

Jongie came in and complained to me about Myungsoo and Dongwoo not waking up at around 1pm. When I turned the lights on they were a little red and breathing loudly. Suddenly, I realised I could also hear Jongie’s breaths behind me, then I realised I could hear my own, and my heart felt out of time with my lungs and my mind could no longer control it. I shook it off and went to Sunggyu’s room. “Jongie, did you sleep with the door closed?” I asked. “Hyung, Myungsoo and Dongwoo-hyung don’t look well.” Then I realised what I was forgetting, and opened Sungyeol’s closet door. His lips were blue. I shouted to Sunggyu, “Hyung! Sungyeol’s lips are blue! We need to do it now!”.

Woohyun pushed past me and somehow picked up Yeollie and put him on the couch – he didn’t wake up. Sunggyu-hyung headed to the windows in the lounge and started ripping off the tape. I dragged Jongie in and we woke up Dongwoo and Myungsoo, and brought them to the lounge as they blearily woke up. Dongwoo-hyung’s breaths sounded more like wheezes. When we were all in the lounge, Sunggyu looked to us and then ripped open one window, and then the next, and another. They were small, at the top of the glass wall, and I didn’t know how many to open to keep Yeollie alive but not let in the gas, but Sunggyu opened three of the top five windows. There was also the door to the balcony, and windows in both the kitchen and Myungsoo’s bedroom, but he left them shut for now.

We sat in the lounge for a while, listening to the breeze passing through the window and Yeollie’s slowing breaths and waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. Yeollie woke up naturally an hour later, and said he had a nightmare.

Gyu-hyung and I closed them before we went to sleep, he said there was no need to have them open if we didn’t need them open, at least for now, until the fog sinks further.

It felt a little like a miracle that we were okay – that the gas didn’t get us. It was even stranger to think that if Yeollie’s apartment was one floor lower, or we needed air a few hours before, maybe we wouldn’t be okay. And then, I thought of the other people who must be holed up around Seoul. Would their air run out first?

There was one more short series of screams today, in the evening, when it was just me in the lounge. It had to be a man and a woman, a couple. It sounds like an agonising death.

I’m glad none of us have to face it, yet.

**10, 18/04/17**

Nothing much happened today. I feel like this is becoming more common.

Well, there was one occurrence with Sungyeol that stays in my mind.

He hurried into the lounge at around 6pm, calling “Howonie, help!” and holding his hands out awkwardly, but they were obscured by the edge of the couch from my spot on the floor. I had no idea what was wrong - my mind leapt to him catching whatever the gas gives you. It felt like ice started spreading from my heart – I realise now it was a kind of adrenaline rush. I stood up immediately, expecting to see blood, my mind empty except for worry, only to see white cream coating his hands in blobs. “I used too much hand cream.”

I heard my heart beat like I was finally standing on the ground again, and I slowly breathed in, to prevent him noticing me gasping. I felt, and still feel a bit silly for my overreaction. “Help me? Yesterday my hands got really dry, so I found my hand cream but it kind of blobbed everywhere… I don’t want to waste it, you should take some.” I let myself sigh in exasperation. I walked over, and dragged him down to sit next to me on the couch. I started wiping some of the cream off his still hands onto my own, which I noticed were just a little dry.

“How did you even manage this? This is just… excessive.” His hands were rough under the cream, and warm, and a little clammy.

“I dunno, Howonie. It just blobbed.” He smiled at me – for some reason he looked a little proud of himself. Crazy kid. He even hummed a little. “Your hands are so small. Kinda squishy. Like a kid’s.”  He lifted my hands and squished the palms a little. He looked happy so I let him.

“Well, at least they’re not clumsy enough to make this mess.” I continued rubbing it into his hands even though I didn’t have to anymore, because Yeollie likes the contact and I like Yeollie relaxed and happy.

My hands slowed after the white colour faded to a sheen, and he leant his head on my shoulder. “Thanks, Howonie. Crisis averted.” He looked tired and lonely, but for some reason I felt like he saw that in me, and was doing it to relieve my tiredom and loneliness, because my worries were evaporating, fading like the drying cream on both of our hands, too.

My hands feel a little soft, now, and my heart a little lighter.

**11, 19/04/17**

Today I saw smoke from the edge of Seoul - only the other tall buildings are visible but the plume of black smoke floated high in the sky. I wasn’t sure if it was a fire or an explosion, but it was far away enough for us to not have to worry about it. I did talk to Sunggyu-hyung about it though.

I feel a bit awkward – I sit here alone for most of the day and watch the view, or pretend to read but get distracted anyway. You might think there’d be nothing to see, but there really is. The shifts in the fog, the birds, the odd glimpses of light and movement through a window over the road which I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating… I’m sure the others think it’s weird, but to be fair we wouldn’t have spotted the smoke on the horizon if I wasn’t here.

I feel a bit like a look-out. I like it. I might like it even more, though, when Yeollie and Jongie lie on the couches and read though, or when Woohyunie-hyung asks for help with the food. I do love their company.

 

-

The light in the bathroom won’t turn on.

-

Nor will any of the other lights.

-

The electricity has gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't like the first day but I'll come back and edit later. Also this hasn't been proof read at all so show me my little mistakes lol.  
> Pls help motivate me if you want more.... its a struggle, but I'll aim to update in a week or so. The story is all planned and some random parts already written but I need to fill it in.  
> btw, here is a link to a floorplan for the apartment if u wanna check it out; https://photo.asianfanfics.com/user/1612445/b32b38.jpg  
> (^u^)


	2. Paradise / Insomnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Haha. I'm tired.

**12, 20/04/17**

It’s dark in Sunggyu and Woohyun’s room particularly – there are no windows in there, and the bathroom too, so we have to leave the doors open and the light from the lounge filters through. At least between us we have plenty of batteries for torches, and for the cute little glowing green figure Jongie brought, and even better, three solar powered camping lights I think from Dongwoo-hyung. The only problem is putting them outside so they can charge – they have to go through the balcony door, which I hate to open.

The food will be difficult now, for Woohyun and me, but for now we still have bowls everywhere full of cold rice and ramen. It’s gross, but I think we’ll use it up before it goes off.

The hot water is still running, for now.

It feels like we’re really busy, even though there’s nothing to do. It’s weird. I don’t know how to describe it.

When I went into Myungsoo’s room to give them food today it stank – we haven’t opened that window. He smelt bad – knowing him, he hasn’t showered since we got here. I jokingly told him and he glared at me. Dongwoo-hyung agreed with me, and as I left they started an argument.

Jongie and Namu-hyung share the kitchen most of the time, but they aren’t friendly. They sit in silence, working or reading, and I heard them shouting today. Gyu-hyung stays in his dark room with no light. He’s probably sleeping all day and then quietly talking with me at night. He just left – we talked about practical things in hushed voices – how to deal with no electricity, how to deal with the others struggling and arguing.

There is no right answer, I’m sure.

Good night.

**13, 21/04/17**

It’s morning but I wanted to write this. I had sleep paralysis again last night, for the first time since I was busy filming two dramas at once back in spring. I get it worst when I’m busy with work – when we promote as Infinite – I had it every night during our ‘The Eye’ comeback.

It started the same as always, a presence at the foot of my bed, or in this case, by my feet, on the floor. They climb up, over you, nearer and nearer, but today, as their face passed over my knees, it started screaming. Ear-splitting screaming. And I couldn’t move an inch – my arms get nailed to my sides, legs pinned to the floor so I couldn’t kick it off, and jaw firmly held shut – I couldn’t even scream back. You can only watch it inch closer, and closer, and closer, in the grainy darkness, until it’s ready to kill you. Then you wake up.

It used to reach the point where no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t sleep, until I passed out from exhaustion, but the screaming was new. But the screaming was new. It didn’t even look like it was screaming, and I definitely wasn’t screaming, I couldn’t even feel myself breathe, but my ears were filled with it. They still ring with it now.

It’s pretty clear where the inspiration for the screams comes from, but it’s useless analysing who is the monster climbing towards me in the dream. It’s nobody – just an embodiment of my fear. That’s what the internet says. I’m not seeing a therapist about it.

It’s not going to go away soon, that’s clear. But I don’t want the others to find out – it started straight after I moved out of the dorm so they have no idea. I mentioned to Woohyun when he was bothering me that I was having bad dreams but that’s it, and now they don’t need anything else to worry about. But somehow, I feel like telling somebody would lessen the burden of silence, when it starts taking over my waking hours too. I can already feel it happening again.

Honestly there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll try and have a positive attitude but really… That can’t fix anything. I’ve tried.

-

I saw Myungsoo storm into the bathroom today, and then I heard the shower turn on. I’m glad.

Everyone else showers at least once a day – there’s not much else to do.

Woohyun was doing push-ups in the lounge again today. He invited me to exercise with him but I declined. I feel like I have no energy anymore.

Sunggyu-hyung and Sungyeollie keep themselves alone in their dark rooms. I don’t know why.

Only Myungsoo and Dongwoo-hyung stay in each other’s company for long periods of time, but they don’t talk, I would hear it. They do argue sometimes though.

That’s not really true, Jongie stays on the couch most of the day, but we don’t talk either. We started a game of cards today, but there was no mood, so we stopped after one round.

It’s weird, but I’m getting used to it. It’s weird that I’m getting used to it.

-

I’ve already had one episode tonight – my watch says it’s only 11:30.

**14, 22/04/17**

I had three of the same nightmare last night. I sleep for three hours and then I have another one, and I wake up feeling more tired than before. I give up. It’s 7am, I might as well get up and shower.

-

There’s nothing to do, nobody else is awake.

-

I noticed something weird today – one box of crackers was open and missing a few packs. I checked a few times over with the inventory lists and I can confirm neither Woohyun-hyung nor I used them for meals. I’m not going to bring it up to Sunggyu-hyung, I think. He either doesn’t know, or gave permission for someone else to have them. I know that if I tell him they’re missing, he’ll either be angry at whoever took them without asking, or be proud of me for noticing. I don’t want to risk his explosive anger so I won’t do it though.

I have a suspicion it was either Woohyun or Sungjong because they’re the ones that spend time in there. And Jongie likes crackers, and Woohyun doesn’t. But, someone else could have snuck in when I was asleep, and anyone would like crackers if they’re that hungry. I’m craving them now thinking about them.

Woohyun and Sungjong were arguing again today, over Woohyun complaining how he wasn’t getting any anymore, and then Woohyun went and argued with Sunggyu. Myungsoo and Dongwoo alternate between secretive whispers and shouting at each other. At least Yeollie isn’t arguing with anyone. He came and sat with me today. We pretended and had a normal conversation but his smile strained at the edges and my jokes fell even flatter than usual. I’m glad he’s trying though.

I have so much on my mind. The nightmares, the group’s straining relationships, the food thief, the fog, the water, the outside world, my family… There has been no more smoke but we’re probably at war, and Hojae is probably in the middle of it.

It’s 12pm. There’s not really enough light coming through the window to write. I’ll try sleeping.

**15, 23/04/17**

Only two sessions last night.

I think I saw something move in the fog today, a shadow, and then screams, and harsh coughing was audible now the window is open. Jongie was sitting, reading at the time. He looked sick after hearing it, I didn’t comment on it.

Today was the same as always otherwise, with the addition of a constant ache in my stomach that I recognise as the same as I have before concerts. Anxiety.

I saw something move out of the window today, a dark blur. Then I was frightened by the sound of my own heartbeat. This happens sometimes when I get really bad nightmares. I hate the irrationality of it all, because I know there’s nothing there.

What I did find though, was a small, clear plastic packet in the kitchen bin. A cracker packet. Then I found three more, and then I checked and saw two more were missing from the box. Sunggyu-hyung is clearly not doing his self-appointed inventory job daily, because he would have noticed. I wonder if the criminal knew that when hyung eventually does check, we would all hunt them out. The kitchen opens straight up to a hallway so they couldn’t have eaten them in there, but instead in their own room, making Sunggyu and Sungyeol likely suspects. But there’s no way Sunggyu-hyung would break his own rules, so it can’t be him, and I’d probably hear Yeollie rustling – his door is thin. If Woohyun did it, he could have checked them off on the inventory, and I doubt two people were in on it, and especially not the most obedient ones, so that rules out Myungsoo and Dongwoo. On second thoughts, anyone could have done it in the bathroom, maybe even run the tap or shower to cover up the sound.

I have no idea. Suspicion and paranoia is not going to help, but I can’t ask anyone, because Sunggyu could find out and then the thief would be in big trouble, and we really don’t need another argument right now. I will keep an eye out for who is going into the kitchen though.

I’m tired again, even though I did nothing today. It’s not the same tiredness as when I’ve done a good day of dance practice or exercise or work though. It’s a mental exhaustion, I suppose. I don’t know. I want to sleep peacefully and quietly, but I know that’s not going to happen.

**16, 24/04/17**

Sungjong woke me up before the monster could get me. He said I was screaming, and Myungsoo was getting annoyed so he told him to wake me up. He said I’d been screaming the last three nights, for a minute or two, about three hours apart each time. I had no fucking idea I screamed when I had the dreams! He went back to his room, still half asleep, and I saw Sunggyu-hyung watching from his doorway. I tried to say ‘I’m sorry, hyung’ but the words couldn’t come out. He eventually went back to bed.

I had no idea I screamed when the screaming in the dream happened. If I screamed anything like the screaming in my dreams sounds, I was very sorry to the members. I was very sorry to them anyway – I must have been waking them all up every time it happened. Well, Dongwoo could probably sleep right through it, but the others must have woken up. I feel really guilty, and sorry, and shitty in general. I hate the fucking dreams, I wish I could stop having them more than ever. I hate that I’m so fucking weak that they prey on me when I hate them so much.

Most of all, I hate that they’re not caused by the outside, like everyone else’s worries are. They’re caused by my worries for us, in here. I’m selfish for having these worries, and I’m even more selfish for forcing them on everyone else when I wake them up, screaming.

Fuck it, I’m going back to sleep.

-

I couldn’t go back to sleep. 6am now.

-

Sunggyu-hyung was the first to try and talk to me. He said he was sending Jongie in to sleep in the lounge too, on the sofa, and he’d wake me up as soon as I started screaming. I told him, awkwardly, that I had no idea, and I was sorry, and I still feel like those words weren’t right, or enough. He looked at me with his dark, empty eyes like I was a weakness, a problem, and tried to solve me. I hate that I’m a burden to them. I hate that hating anything only makes the nightmares worse.

The others didn’t bring it up. Myungsoo looked pissed at me when I gave him dinner, and Dongwoo-hyung looked at me with pity. I felt so uncomfortable.

Then Jongie came and spoke to me, at about 6pm, sitting right next to me on my makeshift bed like no-one has before. He whispered to me that he has nightmares too, like it was some kind of unholy confession. It probably was one. I didn’t tell him the contents of my nightmares, but I told him ‘thank you, for waking me up’, like it was another vitally secret confession back.

I don’t really want to sleep anymore, but my eyelids feel heavier than the weight of the world right now, so I have to try, and trust that Jongie will wake me up.

-

Before I could sleep at all, I heard Jongie get up. Then I heard him head to the kitchen. Then the sound of plastic crackling. Then he went to the bathroom and closed, then locked the door.

I lay there, slowly waking up, and by the time I heard him unlock the door, I got up. First, he went into the kitchen and opened the bin, and as he walked down the corridor, I met him, and silently dragged him back into the bathroom.

It was dark for a second, then I found his little green light thing and turned it on. He looked guilty, and surprised, his big eyes wider than ever. Then he looked upset, and teared up. I felt guilty for making him so uncomfortable. “You were the one eating the crackers.”

He, looked surprised again. “You knew? But you didn’t tell Sunggyu-hyung…”

“I didn’t want anybody to get in trouble.” I gave him as stern a look as I could manage. “You shouldn’t have snuck them away. You could have asked hyung if you were hungry.” Of course he felt hungry, stupid Howon. You’ve been feeding them barely anything, and Jongie was thin to begin with. It was hard to see, but the tears running down his face were visible.

“I’m sorry, hyung! But please, please, please, don’t tell Sunggyu-hyung. He’ll kill me.” He would definitely be angry, but he wouldn’t kill him. It was worrying though, that I had to seriously think about that. He would, however, be disappointed, and be even more disappointed in me if he found out I didn’t tell him. I understood Jongie’s fear of his disappointment and felt even guiltier. I was silent as I thought. “Please, please, hyung. You can keep my next few portions. I’ll do anything.”

“Stop, Jongie. I get it, you need the food. You’re still a growing kid, and skinny as sticks.” I was a little envious of that. “I won’t tell him. But you mustn’t do it again.” I made a show of labouring over a decision, “Look, I’ll increase your portions, just don’t tell hyung.”

Those big eyes again, now with a trace of hope. I couldn’t disappoint him – not when our collected, independent Jongie shows his weak side. “Really, hyung? You can do that?”

“Yeah. He won’t notice if I sneak a little more.” It was a lie, or at least a risk not worth taking. There was no way I was taking more food out of the inventory. Hyung had already set strict limits on how much to use each day – and we only got two meals, mine and Woohyun-hyung’s. There would be no sneaking food, except if it was from my own plate to Jongie’s.

I got him to calm down, and sent him back to bed.

I can’t sleep again. My stomach is growling as if it’s mourning.

**17, 25/04/17**

Jongie only had to wake me up once, at about 4am. I only slept from around 1am until then. I feel shitty – there’s physical exhaustion there too. I think I’m getting sick. I keep on sneezing. But thankfully I’m not coughing. Jongie, however, was whimpering and tossing and turning sometimes – he wasn’t lying about his nightmares to make me feel better. I had to watch him, unable to sleep.

To cover up Jongie’s crime, today I gave the remaining three packs of crackers in the box to Sunggyu-hyung, Woohyun-hyung and Yeollie, then I checked it off on the inventory. I gave them to Gyu and Namu because they’re the ones that might see it checked off on the inventory but not remember eating them, which would cause a fuss. Gyu-hyung told me off for using them although they have a long expiration date. This is why I gave some to Yeollie – he probably heard us from his room. I pray Myungsoo and Dongwoo didn’t hear, and I pray that they won’t bring up today’s menu to the other hyungs, even though the chance that they will is miniscule.

Parting with my food was harder than I had expected. I gave him only about a third of my portion, but a third of an already tiny bowl of rice was difficult. He looked grateful though, so it was worth it. I didn’t show him my bowl.

The fog is much lower now – the top of the streetlamps, although permanently turned off, are just visible, but the ground is still far obscured. I think it’s slowing in its descent, which worries me. I was kind of expecting that it would fade away in a couple of weeks and then we could just walk out of here. It’s clear that isn’t happening anytime soon.

I’m also seeing more blurs, smudges at the edge of my vision that make me turn my head so fast I get whiplash. My glasses flew right off my face once. I keep on cleaning them, claiming the blurs are just the glasses, but I know they’re not. The lenses are compulsively, completely clear now. And I’m tired – my eyes itch and twitch. I didn’t look at them in the mirror because it’s too dark but I know that they’ll be bloodshot.

The others, well, Woohyun and Sungyeol, look at me with pity – I must look like a mess, screaming at night and sleepwalking during the day. Yeollie tried to comfort me again but I was too awkward. I hate that I can never express my feelings. I should talk to Jongie or someone but my clumsy mouth stops me. Or maybe it’s the traces of my father’s fists. At least I can write it.

-

Headache. Feels like my temples are crushing my brain from the outside.

-

**18, 26/04/17**

I fell asleep, or passed out, or whatever, eventually. Didn’t wake up screaming until 5am. I feel a little bit better now.

-

I hate that I have to live like this – a victim to my own mind, and no help to my struggling friends. They’re all still arguing. We tried to play cards again today, Sungjong, Woohyun-hyung and Sunggyu-hyung, but they started arguing within minutes. It got too loud, so I stormed off to the bathroom. The thud of the door shut them up.

I spent a few minutes calming down in the pitch black, but I didn’t cry. I shouldn’t feel proud about that. Actually, I haven’t cried since I got here. And I can’t even remember the time I cried before that. As I opened the door the light revealed one of Dongwoo’s camping lights someone had thoughtlessly left in there. We’re supposed to leave them outside on charge when we’re not using them. But before I put it back, I closed the door and turned on the light, too tempted to look in the mirror.

I looked terrible. Awful. Nothing like an idol. My eyes red and sore, skin sickly pale, hair an utter mess, a few spots breaking out again, and stubble messily growing everywhere. The others (except Jongie) all have stubble to various degrees, but I just couldn’t stand mine, so I quickly, messily shaved it off, with just a smidgen of cream and a manual razor. I got a few nicks, but I felt a little better. Then I ran some boiling water and used a flannel to rub it into my face. It hurt and my instincts told me not to, but I felt better afterwards – like my old, ugly skin was burnt off. I felt more like an idol – who I used to be.

I went back to my spot in the lounge. They had all left by then. I put my head in my arms and fell asleep.

Sunggyu-hyung woke me at around 6pm, asking for dinner. I was already two hours late, so I felt guilty and got up, feeling groggy again, though I had slept for almost three hours more.

I hate that sleep has forcibly become my number one concern. I hate that I’m so weak I let it happen. And I keep on fucking sneezing.

**19, 27/04/17**

Last night Jongie woke me up with his thrashing, and murmuring. I didn’t wake him up – he woke up by himself before I could pluck up the courage to do it for him. Then he hurried over to my bed, and I had to pretend to be woken up by him. I felt like he wouldn’t believe my acting but he didn’t comment. He was probably too shaken up for that.

He told me, trembling, about his nightmare.

“It starts with a woman, in the street. She runs out of one of the places down the road to the right, into the mist, and looks around. She’s coughing, choking as she does it. Then she looks up here, and sees me through the window, looking at her. Our eyes meet, then she runs and I can’t see her, taken away by the fog.

“Then I hear footsteps. Coughing nearby. The footsteps are replaced by banging on the door. And screaming, and shouting, interrupted with coughing, choking. ‘Let me in!’, ‘Help me!’, and ‘I know you’re in there, kid! I saw you!’. Sunggyu-hyung comes out of his room and shakes his head. I can’t help but whimper… I want to respond but I mustn’t. You come over and put your hand over my mouth, so I can’t say anything even if I wanted to. Sungyeol-hyung and Woohyun-hyung have to hold the door, because she could break it, and let the gas in and then we’d all die. You put your hands over my ears, so I can’t hear her instead. I feel bad because you can still hear it. Finally, she stops. She chokes one more time, and then it’s over.

“Sometimes I recognise her voice as mum’s. Sometimes it’s my noona’s. I hate it. I know it’s not real but…”

Our strong, precious maknae sobbed in my arms. I led him back to his couch between his broken murmurs. I put his head on my lap and awkwardly shushed him a little, running my hands through his hair like I did for Sungyeol back when this all began. He just kept on sobbing. Eventually he cried himself back to sleep.

He woke up an hour or so later, at around 5am, when it starts getting light. I couldn’t sleep sitting up like that anyway, so I watched the window. When his eyes opened, he didn’t move off me, just grabbed one of my hands that was carding through his hair again. He held it up, looked at it.

“I didn’t notice before, hyung, you have such nice hands. They’re pretty.”

“No, they’re not.” I felt calm – glad he hadn’t decided to break the tranquillity of the dawn I had witnessed.

“They are. Cute, little, squishy, soft.” He pinched my palm for emphasis. “Not like mine. Mine are veiny, like grandma hands. And too big, and bony.”

His hands were clearly bigger than mine. It felt a tiny bit weird, like it should be the other way around. I’m the hyung, the cool one, and he’s our maknae Jongie, our cute baby maknae Jongie. But that wasn’t the real him, and nor was that the real me. He’s strong, our Jongie.

“Nah.” I hold one of his and let it drop to his chest. “They’re just right.”

He smiled a little, drowsily, and let his eyes slide shut again.

It took everything I had not to spring away from him as soon as I heard movement in the other room. Woohyun-hyung opened his door to let the light in and saw me over the other couch. He didn’t see Jongie. He yawned, “Hey, Howon-ah.”

I couldn’t help but smile back at him, although it wasn’t like me, and cheerfully say back, “Good morning, Woohyun-hyung.” He looked a little surprised, but then a huge smile grew on his handsome face. He waved and went back in.

Jongie stirred again, and sat up, groaning a little. “Hey, hyung. Your lap’s not that comfy you know. Urgh, my neck hurts.” He was clearly joking.

“Fine then, next time you come crying to me I’ll leave you a damn pillow and be done with you.” My smile wouldn’t disappear. I didn’t even feel tired anymore, though I barely slept.

Our pretty Jongie was back, “Nooo, hyung.” Complete with aegyo.

The tranquillity was infectious and spread around the apartment easily. Jongie, Yeollie and I played a card game and it was fun. Really, just fun. No pressure. They teased me about my hands, and I wanted to hug them, but I was too shy. They hugged me instead. It felt a little like coming home.

I know that when I sleep tonight, I won’t have nightmares.

**20, 28/04/17**

I was right, and better, my eyes don’t feel like they’re falling out of my head anymore. Even my cold has lessened.

Everything is better, really. Myungsoo still glares at me but there’s no weight to it. Sunggyu-hyung came up to me and said “You didn’t scream at all last night, I’m glad.” And generously gave me one of his charming smiles. Woohyun was even still in a good mood and was loud and rambunctious when we played cards, all seven of us. I even heard Dongwoo-hyung’s familiar laugh again, and it made me realise just how much I missed it.

Then at around midday I realised it’s Sunggyu-hyung’s birthday, and told him – he had actually not realised. He doesn’t keep track of the days, or have a handy watch with the date on like I do. So, we had a little party, no cake – but we made do. It was really good, fun. We played like the old days. We only broke for the night at around 11pm, and can still hear Woohyun and Sunggyu-hyung talking.

I think Jongie has my cold, haha, but I don’t know where I got it from. I don’t know if I got it from someone or how these things work, but I moved on from it quickly so it won’t be a problem. He’s sleeping soundly right now.

I hope every day can be as easy as this. Like seven years ago.

**21, 29/04/17**

The hag didn’t visit in my dreams again, but Jongie’s sneezing did wake me up a few times. I slipped him an extra one of Sunggyu-hyung’s vitamins – he has plenty – and gave him some tissues. Tissues will be one of the things we run out of quickly.

I don’t know what we’ll use in the bathroom after that. Cloths, and clean them? Just shower?

And toothpaste. We’ll run out of toothpaste at one point. I think we’re already half way through what we brought. To be fair, it wasn’t exactly one of our priorities, but maybe it should have been. An idol needs his teeth to look nice after all. We’ll need them when we get out.

We’re not festive like yesterday, but calm. It’s quiet. Calm conversations and quiet actions between people who were arguing, shouting, fighting two days ago, even though there was no reconciliation. It’s pretty clear how the mood is so easily affected and spread around the apartment through the web of members. It’s the same as it used to work, back in the dorm, and the structure of the web has barely changed at all.

It makes me think – what has changed permanently? Can any change be permanent?

The only change that comes to mind that is permanent is death. But I feel like we’re safe from that, here in Yeollie’s apartment.

**22, 30/04/17**

Jongie is pretty sick. Sicker than I was. He’s sneezing great lumps of snot and coughing, coughing up chunks of phlegm.

Sunggyu-hyung was concerned and spoke to me about him. I told him what I had and how Jongie had just got it worse.

We all ignored the elephant in the room – what if it was the gas? Some early symptoms, or a weaker form?

He’s not that sick, for now, but because I’ve had it, I was told to keep an eye on him. I will.

We closed the window, just in case.

**23, 01/05/17**

He’s worse. Says his throat is itchy, doesn’t want to leave the couch.

I give him medicine, plenty of water, and tea – with hot water from the tap, because the kettle has no power anymore.

He has a fever too. That’s worrying, right?

I’m not a doctor, none of us are. Honestly, we have no idea what we’re doing, or if it’s right or wrong. I’m doing what I can though, we all are. Even Sungyeollie has washed some of the clothes by hand, alone. I’m proud.

The nice atmosphere has gone out the window though. We’re all worried sick.

**24, 02/05/17**

The same as yesterday. I don’t think he’s getting any better, but I don’t think he’s getting any worse.

His fever doesn’t go down no matter how many cold cloths I pile on his head.

**25, 03/04/17**

His first signs of improvement. He said his throat was less scratchy and the sneezing is decreasing in frequency.

I’m so glad.

**26, 04/05/17**

He seems much better. His cough remains, dry and painful, but I can’t feel a fever anymore. He’s still complaining, as ever, but at least that shows he has fight left in him.

I can tell myself, again, everything’s going to be fine.

**27, 05/05/17**

I had one more episode of sleep paralysis last night. I felt guilty for making Jongie wake me up, but he looked okay, so I won’t worry anymore. He asked me if I wanted to tell him about it, so I did.

I told him, and I felt stupid, because my nightmares are pathetic in comparison to his, but he told me ‘no, hyung. I’ve heard about sleep paralysis before and I know it can be really scary. Noona got it once and she…’

Our Jongie is a great guy, really. I’m proud of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah :333  
> As always, please tell me your comments - what you liked, what you didn't, what you want to see!  
> >u<


	3. Last Romeo / Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for ~sexual content~  
> It's not very explicit though

**28, 06/05/17**

No nightmares last night. :)

No big arguments either.

Woohyun and I made rice with warm water from the tap today and it took a long time but it tasted alright. I asked Sunggyu-hyung and he let us share a chocolate bar, although I had to do aegyo to get it. It was good, I missed the taste.

**29, 07/05/17**

Woohyun and Sungjong are back to arguing. But today I finally heard what they were shouting about – apparently Woohyun keeps on moaning and complaining to Jongie. In particular, he whines about not ‘getting any’ recently, and Jongie doesn't give a shit. In his opinion, Woohyun should 'keep his mouth shut and his dick in his pants'. I just thought the argument was a little funny and cute in a strange way. It could have been much worse, I keep on thinking. It was almost like normal.

Then at around 6pm today I heard a loud thud from Myungsoo's room, and then the hushed, indistinct voices stopped being audible. Something is going on in there, but I know I shouldn't intervene. Dongwoo-hyung can fight his own battles.

I spoke to Jongie about it and he didn’t even realise they were fighting, in fact he had other ideas. About them getting together. He looked pissed about the idea though, and cursed Woohyun under his breath. It was cute.

I had a nightmare last night, though. But it wasn’t the hag. It wasn’t that bad at all, really. I was just lost in a maze, running, with the fog, ghastly and green chasing me at every step. I ran out of breath, and I was all alone, and I stumbled more times than I can remember, but it never caught me.

**30, 08/05/17**

How do the others keep themselves looking so good? Everyone’s hair has grown a bit but now mine would cover my eyes if I let my fringe hang loose, so I tuck it behind my ears. It probably looks stupid as fuck. I also have a stupid looking little stubbly beard, but Sunggyu-hyung seems to be growing a full goatee and moustache. He looks older, and oddly enough, I think it suits him. He looks like a handsome actor now. Jongie looks different without his makeup. More masculine, grown up. Yeollie has a small acne problem. Dongwoo has a similar beard problem to me, but I don’t see much of him nowadays. Myungsoo, meanwhile, has long greasy strands of hair and black roots. He pulls it off though, of course. I think I could do that man’s make up and he would still make teenage girls faint. And then there’s Woohyun. I think he could walk out of that door straight onto the front of a magazine again if only there were still living photographers to take his pictures. I don’t think there are. But he definitely has been shaving way too often, I know how damn fast his hair grows.

Genuinely, he could get in trouble for wasting that shit if Sunggyu-hyung finds out. But then again, I get the feeling hyung likes that damn beard of his, so he won’t mind too much. He’s always stroking it, contemplatively.

The worst thing is how long my fucking nails are. I noticed earlier Woohyun’s were short so there must be some nail clippers, or at least scissors, in this place but I can’t find them in the dark like this. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I had the fog dream again, and I’ll have it again tonight. I know I will. But it’s not that bad – empty. I just run. The panic has faded. It’s more like a game now, between the fog and I.

**31, 09/05/17**

I was the only one up when Sunggyu hyung started rifling through the mess littered around the house. I offered to help him but he told me to go back to sleep. That wasn't going to happen so I pretended to sleep and listened to him. He was actually doing his job of inventory for the first time, so I was happy to leave him to it. The only ones who do our jobs are really Jongie and I, but Woohyun and Sungyeol do help, or at least talk to us while we work. Woohyun and I make both meals together now but I usually end up being the one cooking as he talks at me about how great a cook he is. Dongwoo and Woohyun have evidently done none of their cleaning job, and Yeollie's apartment is cramped and messy now. Dust is settling on the cardboard boxes we brought when we first got here.

It was only about an hour later, at around 8am, when Sunggyu-hyung called a meeting. I panicked, but I also knew that Jongie and I would probably be safe, because I'd covered that up, and even if he had figured it out, nobody could pin it on us.

We were all sitting around the lounge table, yawning and sleepy-eyed, but worried all the same, and I noticed Dongwoo-hyung especially wasn't looking good. They didn't know that the inventory was the problem yet. I sat next to the empty chair, across from Woohyun and with Jongie on my right.

Finally, Sunggyu-hyung made his entrance, with the stock lists we made when we first got here in his hands.

"Firstly, does anybody have anything to tell me?" He looked at each of us in turn, I had to carefully keep my breaths regular. I carefully did not look at Sungjongie because hyung would notice and then the game would be over. I trust Jongie did the same. "No? Nothing to confess?" His eyes focused impossibly even harder. He pulled out a ramen packet from his pocket with a slight flourish. I would have laughed if anyone else did that. "How about now." His anger, underneath his intimidation deliberately peeked through. Even though I wasn't guilty of this I wanted to run and hide and get away from him.

 Nobody moved, only our eyes studied each other around the table.

 I suspected Sungyeol and Woohyun, because I doubt Jongie took more again, and Myungsoo and Dongwoo were too obedient. I was quite surprised I hadn't noticed them sneaking past me like I had with Jongie, but it's true that my sleep has been less than regular recently.

 "Nothing to say anything, huh? Twelve packs of ramyun. That's not nothing in my book, and unless we miscounted by twelve, or a fucking mouse got in here, one of you is lying." I was impressed by whoever it was that hadn't confessed yet. I was almost compelled to confess just to get out of this dreadful atmosphere.

 "This is a big fucking deal, and whichever one of you had put themselves before the group and pigged out on ramen had better own up now."

 He sighed, but the tension didn't diffuse one bit. "Look, I won’t be angry, I'm just disappointed. But I need to know." No one believed him. "If you tell me now, I won't get angry." We've all seen him do this act before, intimidate, make us panic, then act nice, get us to confess, and then he really tears into you. "Last chance."

 Still, nobody moved an inch. "Fine then, but we're not going to leave here until somebody confesses. Like you're little fucking kids. And whichever one of you did it, you should know that you're a fucking traitor. Scum. You think you're special, you're better than the rest of us. But you don't deserve it, you don't deserve jack shit. If you take shit again, you-" I could see Jongie's composure cracking out of the corner of my eye, but my own was cracking faster. If hyung looked at me again I would have to tell him.

 "Cut it out, hyung." Woohyun's words were bold, but his tone was weak. "We get it." I watched as Sunggyu-hyung's jaw twitched out, and then back in again, like it does when he's really angry.

 "Well, one of you clearly does not get it!" He was shouting now, deafening and close with his powerful lungs.

 Woohyun shouted right back. "Interrogating us is obviously not going to work! Maybe they've already realised they were wrong and won't do it again. It's not a big deal, just get over it!"

 Sunggyu-hyung stood up, out of his chair, and Woohyun-hyung followed suit. "It was you, wasn't it! That's why you're defending them, right? Fuckers like you don't-"

 Jongie stood up too. "Hyung this is too much! Just let it go, please."

 "You too, Sungjong-ah? I expected better of you. Honestly, people like you lot don't deserve to live! You don't even deserve to call yourself Infinite." I realised then, that fuck, this was a bad argument. Not only was he angry, but he was irrational, and the few times I've seen him get like that end in blood, rather than just tears.

 Sungjong started crying, Sungyeol's face was as hard as stone, probably considering joining in to protect Jongie, Myungsoo glared with distaste at Woohyun, and Dongwoo looked close to a breakdown. Someone had to give in first, or it would be a bloodbath.

 "Stop it! We get it, okay? Did you ever consider that the problem lies in your dictatorial rationing?" Woohyun got up in hyung's face.

 "Nam Woohyun, you dare talk to your leader like that? I'll have-"

 "Hyung? Please sit down." I spoke, it came out far less confident that I had intended but at least I managed to say it. I placed my hand gently on hyung's wrist, which was about to move up and grab Woohyun's shirt.

 Instead of sitting down, he aggressively grabbed my wrist and pulled and gripped it fucking hard. "You should have fucking noticed, Howon-ah, unless you were covering for them too. I should have known I couldn't trust you two with the food, going off behind my back a-"

 "Hyung!" I was careful to be loud but not shout. I could barely feel my hand past his grip, but it was worryingly easy to stay calm. "Please stop it hyung. You're right, but they're not going to own up.” I forced my eyes open, innocent, like I’ve seen Jongie do for the fans. “We need to decide what to do instead, about the rations. Maybe we should make them a little bigger?"

 He didn't speak back, he just stared at me, his eyes fogged over with something I had never seen before. His hand burned, warm on my wrist. "Please, hyung. You're hurting me."

 He looked down at his hand on my wrist, released it, and sat down.

 "Sit down, Woohyun. I don't care who it was, but if you do it again you're officially out. Out the fucking window, that is. Got it?"

 I nodded. It was a miracle that worked - I really gambled on it. But surely enough, Sunggyu-hyung likes hearing that he's right.

**32, 10/05/17**

I had a sex dream last night with a person without a face. They just had hands. All I remember is pleasure. I wonder (with fear and anticipation) what I will dream of tonight.

I don’t miss dreamless nights, nor sleepless nights. But I miss the night once the sun rises.

**33, 11/05/17**

Sorry for that weird entry yesterday.

‘Sorry’, haha! Who am I even writing this to?

For your information, I dreamed of candy and rainbows and unicorns. And fairies and dancing. Infinite dancing Nothing’s Over in rainbow t-shirts and short hair and innocent eyes. And lollipops and mermaids and…

Who am I kidding. I dreamed about having sex with a man. (Again.)

Or did I have the fog dream again? Or was it a dreamless night? Some other dream, even?

You’ll never know!

**34, 12/05/17**

I don’t know what’s up with me nowadays. I don’t sleep at night, and then I can’t fall asleep in the daytime because it’s too bright. At least it’s quiet.

It’s quiet all the time, here, now. No more shouting arguments, but no more laughter or games. Even when I speak with Woohyun in the kitchen while cooking I feel like I have to whisper, to not disturb the silence.

But it’s comfortable. I found the clippers and did my nails. Then Jongie made me do his. He played with my hands again. Yeollie made me join him in the closet while he did his. It’s really homey in there. He has clothes piled up on the floor and then a blanket over them, so it’s all soft to lie on. That’s what he does all day. And he reads. I wonder what he will do when we run out of books. I wonder if we will run out of books, be rescued or die first.

Then I took the clippers to Woohyun hyung and Sunggyu hyung’s room. We had a hushed conversation on Sunggyu-hyung’s nightmares and Woohyun wasting the shaving cream. He won’t be doing that anymore.

**35, 13/05/17**

Woohyun and Jongie had another argument last night. Or 3am today, technically. I was woken up by their hissed shouts at what must have been the end of their discussion, so I just saw Jongie storming back into Myungsoo’s room and then Woohyun going to the bathroom and then returning to Sunggyu’s room a while after.

He was cheery as always while cooking though. We always end up taking hours to make each meal, not because of the difficultly, but because we chat. It’s nice. He’s not losing his mind to nightmares.

**36, 14/05/17**

I might be, though.

**37, 15/05/17**

It started with another one of the Woohyun-Sungjong arguments. All three of us were in the kitchen. I hoped that they wouldn’t fight in my presence, as they never have before. But surely enough, Woohyun turned the conversation towards “Yeah, thank god we still have hot water. I don’t know what I’d do without my long showers.” Seeing my judgemental look he remarked with a broad, charming grin, “What? A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Without a girl around, that is.” He made a vulgar gesture. I almost laughed but Jongie shut his book with a slam. “Don’t be like that, Sungjongie, I know you gotta do it to. And I’ve told you, I’ll help you if you help me, you get me. You look enough like a girl, I’m sure I could make it wor-“

Sungjong shoved Woohyun out of his way and stormed through the doorway back to his room.

“Don’t be like that, darlin’!” Woohyun heckled. I grudgingly gave Woohyun a hand up, sending him my most judgemental look. “He’s just so fun to tease. It’s the only entertainment I get nowadays.”

He went back to the rice and stirred it, replacing the warm water.

“What are you doing, Woohyun-hyung?” I croaked.

He put the spoon down thoughtfully. “I don’t know.” Then he turned to face me, leaning on the counter coolly.

 “Howon-ah…” He tilted his head. “Will you do it for me? Instead of Sungjongie?” He’s shit at manipulating people. “For hyung?” I already had an answer but I didn’t say it.

He continued, “It doesn’t have to be weird, or gay. Just a helping hand, yeah? I’ll help you too, of course…” He looked genuinely nervous.

Figuring I’d put him through enough, I replied “Fine. I’ll do it.” He visibly stopped smugness from painting his face with a grin. “Just don’t go bothering the others anymore.”

He stepped forwards, stopping a metre in front of me. I felt my face going red and I had to stop myself from fiddling with my long hair. “Now?” He asked, cheerfully, cautiously.

“Now?!” I needed to process it first… I let myself imagine it in detailed stills for a moment.

I nodded, without meeting his eyes. My mouth felt dry all of a sudden, and I resisted the urge to cover up my stubble and shaving burns. And my faded muscles. I’d need to take my clothes off, I mentally panicked.

But I trusted his now wide grin. This was Woohyun, my bandmate of nearly seven years. This was just another stage of our friendship.

He led me to his room, passing Sunggyu and Sungjong asleep on the couches. I didn’t wonder then, but I do wonder now whether he planned to ask Jongie then because Sunggyu was out. I even suspected that he had already moved his target from Jongie to me, and used Jongie as a way to get me to do it. Maybe that was the plan from the start. I mean, Jongie would never do it, especially not after being called a girl, and Woohyun must know that. I even suspected Sunggyu being in on it. Maybe he helpfully left the room for Woohyun-hyung to use it.

Well, I’m not about to ask him that so….

We stood in the doorway, still, until he released my wrist. He suddenly said, "Wait," and hurried out of the room. I was left for only around 10 seconds to wonder what he was doing, but he came back with one of Dongwoo's shitty but useful solar powered camping lights we leave on the balcony.

Woohyun shut the door, quietly, and turned it on with a click. He left it on the bedside table and walked towards me, slowly, uncertainly.

I got him off, cautiously, with my hands. He asked me after if I wanted him to do me too, but I (thankfully) wasn't turned on and told him no.

The thought of letting a bandmate do that to me sends shivers of panic down my spine.

**38, 16/05/17**

I had a real sex dream last night. Of Woohyun-hyung. It was weird but I’m already getting accustomed to it. It was kind of fun, actually. After I got used to the fact that his dick is just like mine (except maybe a tiny bit bigger) it wasn’t too hard to make him groan and squirm.

He kept it from being awkward in the kitchen too. Well, Yeollie was sitting there, sullenly reading a book while we made brunch so it wasn’t that hard. Hard. Haha.

I hope that I don’t have scary dreams anymore. It’d be nice if I only had sex dreams from now on.

**39, 17/05/17**

Life goes on, somehow.

I didn’t do anything with Woohyun today but he stood close behind me while I was cooking. I was strangely conscious of him and every action he made, and I admittedly blushed a lot.

**40, 18/05/17**

Dongwoo appeared, as if exiled, from their room for the whole of today. I missed him. We talked a lot, and I almost told him about what is going on between Woohyun and me. Speaking of, Woohyun didn’t seem too happy to see Dongwoo-hyung and he avoided us.

Then he disappeared again, into their room, at around 11pm. I wonder when I can talk to him again.

**41, 19/05/17**

Finally, Woohyun asked me to do it again. So I did. Again he offered to do me too, but I ran off, half-hard this time.

Sunggyu-hyung was sitting in the kitchen, staring aimlessly out of the window when I came back.

**42, 20/05/17**

**43, 21/05/17**

I somehow missed a day, oops! I think it just shows how much more busy and active I am now. The apartment is never entirely silent anymore. Jongie and Yeollie have reconnected and them and Sunggyu often visit the kitchen and hang out with Woohyun and I.

**44, 22/05/17**

Today while I was helping Woohyun-hyung he suddenly kissed me. It was weird. He was active and I just kind of let it happen. My heart rate picked up, a lot, anyway. He pulled away, quickly and muttered excuses about what he was used to and more. I just kept on going though.

I don't think I'd be angry if he did want to kiss me again. I don't think I'd be angry at all, in fact. I might quite like it.

**45, 23/05/17**

:) 

I exercised a little with Yeollie and Woohyun. I’m tired. Let’s sleep! :)

**46, 24/05/17**

Woohyun handed me some scissors today and told me to trim his hair. I did it, carefully, and then threw the hair out the window. We can’t risk clogging the drains.

It doesn’t look terrible, but it’s clearly no professional haircut. I’m quite proud, actually. I even made him blush when I leaned too close to do his fringe.

I then asked him to do mine but he said no, because “I like it the way it is now.” I think it’s long and messy, nearing my shoulders at the back and tucked behind my ears at the sides. But I blushed and changed my mind.

But then Sunggyu saw the new haircut and asked who did it. I somehow ended up with a salon with four customers in one day. By Yeollie’s haircut I think I did quite well.

**47, 25/05/17**

Today, his face got a little too close to mine and I kissed him. He kissed back, a lot more than I expected. I left his dick alone for a minute and we made out, properly.

 When he was nearly done, I asked if he could help me. He nodded, pupils blown out in the dim light, and we rubbed each other off, quickly and intensely.

 When I left to do the walk of shame, I caught Sunggyu-hyung and Sungjongie break off their conversation to stare at me right up until I closed the bathroom door. I'm worried that they know - maybe we were too loud, or too obvious or we left something but then again, I feel like at least Sunggyu-hyung ought to know. He probably already does.

Whatever, I don't know, or care, really. If there's a problem they can talk to Woohyun, he's the one that initiated it. We'll sort it out.

But I'm increasingly feeling like there may be a problem - within me and Woohyun-hyung. But it’s not that we're fighting, rather, it’s the opposite.

**48, 26/05/17**

Infinite. What a strange team name.

**49, 27/05/17**

I realised today that I haven’t had a nightmare in ages. Or a dream. I miss them, just a little.

I miss everyone else too. The managers. Hojae. My friends. My cell phone. The internet. I miss candy crush, and I miss public transport and rush hour traffic too. I wonder if I’ll ever get them back.    

**50, 28/05/17**

Day 50! I’m not sure whether I should celebrate or mourn this.

When I went into the kitchen to make dinner Sunggyu hyung was there, which was odd, because he never goes in there. Even stranger, he was sitting there, staring off into space until I came in. Then his intense eyes stayed firmly directed at me, and my movements. I felt like I was interrupting something, for some reason, but I was too awkward to bring it up. I had to cook, so I did.

Eventually, he spoke, as though he had only just noticed my presence, which was obviously not true –  his eyes traced every movement I made.

"Hey, Howon-ah." His voice was low and still.

"Hey, hyung." My own voice sounded foreign to my ears. I wasn't quite nervous, but hyung was being weird and I didn't know how to handle it.

"How's it going?" He asked, his words were casual, but his tone focused.

The normality of the question struck me, because the situation we're in is so absurd. I gaped and searched for an answer, something witty, but not sassy. 'How's it going?' Well, we've been trapped inside an apartment for weeks, but everything's just peachy. People are dying outside and we have no contact with our families but... I realised that I could no longer just reply 'fine'.

Instead, Sunggyu chuckled. "Yeah, I don't think I could put it into words either." I gave him a tiny nervous smile as was expected of me. "I'll put this is way, how are you coping?" Suddenly I thought of Woohyun and I and for some reason every cell in my body screamed not to tell him.

I now think that this whole conversation was hyung trying to give me an out - trying to get me to confess, even if he didn't know the full story. I don't know why I couldn't tell him, even though in theory, I don't mind. I’m confused. I don’t know what Woohyun is doing to me.

-

Can’t sleep. Thinking.

**51, 29/05/17**

Did it again with Woohyun, kissing and all.

I know what it looks like, but I don’t know what we’re doing.

**52, 30/05/17**

Woohyun-hyung and I were talking in the kitchen while leisurely washing up.

Suddenly he broke the comfortable flow of meaningless conversation - "You know you don't have to always call me hyung, right?"

I knew, we've spoken about it a few times before.

"I know." I gave him a tiny smile.

He stared at me for a second before he grinned, widely. His eyes narrowed and curved, it was irresistibly charming in the clean light of day from the window. It was like staring at the sun - I had to look away. I think that image is still burned into my retinas.

"Good." He started humming the chorus of a familiar song, one that we spent days on end dancing to in cosy practice rooms together. I don't remember which one it was though, anymore.


	4. Bad / Wildest Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know chapter titles as song titles is tacky but idgaf. On my compute they're labled as just '1', '2' etc. so  
> Expect more updates soon, I'm trying to finish this before xmas hols end.

**53, 31/05/17**

The fog is much lower now. It now soaks only the bottom floor above the streets. Seoul is otherwise deserted. So today I dared to go on the balcony.

The door is next to my feet where I sleep, so I crept out there early this morning before everybody else would wake up. It was pretty, and pretty crazy, to see the familiar city so deserted. I found a few landmarks (we can see quite far as we’re so high up), but the horizon is as bleak as always. I was a little shocked by how cold it was, though, considering it's nearly summer. We have spent most of spring inside this apartment. We have must have missed a lot.

This all happened because of the North finally striking. Were there other cities attacked? They must be at war. But seeing the fog sink day by day reminds me that one day (if we last that long) we can leave. Maybe somebody will even rescue us.

There’s no way we’re all alone.

Although I was tired for the rest of the day, going outside was really nice. I want to go again, but the others are still scared of the air. I’ll have to go at dawn again.

**54, 01/06/17**

I went outside again at dawn. I sleep so close to the window that I am woken up by the sun’s rising anyway, I used to just toss a sock over my eyes and go back to sleep. Or try to. I like waking up early. And we all hunker down in our respective beds at about sunset too, because we only have limited electricity and natural lighting to use now. There’s not much to do here except sleep, seems to be Sungyeol’s approach. But day by day I am finding myself occupied, somehow.

I played a game with Jongie and Woohyun-hyung, and then we cooked, and then Yeollie joined us and read. In the evening I found Sunggyu-hyung and we talked.

We talked about our old life as idols, with busy schedules and makeup. I miss it, though there were days when I hated it. I finally worked up the courage to confess to him that I wanted to leave the company when our contract runs out. He was pretty irate at first but he quickly realised that it doesn’t really matter anymore. The day it runs out will be June the 9th, seven years after our debut. That is in eight days. It will pass, here, in the apartment without event. I don’t think a contract really matters anymore.

**55, 02/06/17**

I got off with Woohyunie-hyung again today. He’s funny. I treasure him a lot.

Oh, and today I got caught.

Sitting on the balcony, that is. I must have sat there a little too long, but I didn’t hear Myungsoo getting up and leaving for the bathroom. He didn’t see me either, in his drowsy state. But he saw me when he was returning to his room. I didn’t notice until he opened the door, with his hair still sticking up in every direction possible and a pair of Yeollie’s pajamas. It was a cute image I’m sure fangirls would kill me for. He stood there and asked, “What are you doing?”

I looked down at myself and back up at him. I didn’t think I had to dignify that with an answer. Or a serious one at least. “Dancing.” I deadpanned.

That won me a tiny smile. It was a nice change from his newly cemented expression of disgust. “Come back in, it’s cold outside.” I tried to come up with an answer as to why he was in such a good mood and failed.

I did as he asked. Then he curled up on the couch and was out like a light.

I just stood there. Until I confirmed he was definitely asleep, and I got him a blanket.

**56, 03/06/17**

There were multiple thuds and sounds of shouting coming from Dongwoo’s room today, and I caught Jongie staring dazedly into a mirror. I didn’t disturb him, but I trimmed his nails (they grow freakishly fast) afterwards.

**57, 04/06/17**

Myungsoo woke up early this morning too. He joined me for a while on the balcony.

“I don’t see why you like to sit out here, Howon. It just reminds me.” He said.

I shrugged. “It’s still pretty.”

He squished his face within his palms. “I guess so.”

I nearly asked him about Dongwoo-hyung, how he was or what’s up between them but I wasn’t brave enough, and I didn’t want to disturb his tranquil mood.

He bolted away from me, though, when we heard thuds from Yeollie’s closet meaning that he woke up.

In other news, I met with Woohyun-hyung today, and Gyu-hyung was acting a little strange. On edge, maybe.

**58, 05/06/17**

I found out why today. Sunggyu-hyung woke up early, even before me and ‘accidentally’ woke me up by stomping his steps. We went to the kitchen.

He went straight to the point, “So, you’re getting off with Woohyun, huh.”

I stammered through it, but he seemed to want to confirm that everything was consensual and legitimate. Then he moved onto the details, “Is it like… a relationship? Or a contract? How far do you go and how often?” Eventually, after what felt like an hour of painful questioning, he seemed appeased. I asked him how he found out, and he replied “It’s obvious!” My heart dropped like a stone. “Just joking, Woohyun told me.” He smiled the smile where his eyes fully close into lines.

“But Howonie… it’s a contract, right? A favour for hyung?” I nodded. “Then will you do it for hyung, too?” I can’t believe I didn’t realise that that was what this conversation was leading up to.

I tore my eyes away from him and instead stared at the tiles on the floor, processing. How would Woohyun react? But I couldn’t say no. Would Woohyun even have to know?

Sunggyu-hyung made up my mind for me. He kissed me against the counter, where Woohyun never had. He also kissed differently to Woohyun - carefully regulating a tempo.

He finally stepped back, slowly re-opening his intense eyes. “Please?”

“Ye- Of- Okay, hyung.” I stammered.

He smiled. “Not now, but later.” I nodded automatically and he kissed me again.

I wonder when he will call for me.

**59, 06/06/17**

Not today. Woohyun however, did, in his ignorance. Sunggyu-hyung smirked as we passed him by. It made me think of the technicalities - we use their room, so what kind of excuse was Woohyun-hyung using to kick him out? It’s impossible to cross the apartment without somebody noticing, and if you listen carefully, you can pick out exactly were the footsteps are coming and going from no matter where you are. And we know the sounds of each other’s steps - sometimes I deliberately walk awkwardly to sound like someone else. The others must know, or at least suspect, is what I mean. Woohyun-hyung even confessed to Sunggyu, probably because it became impossible to use the room without questions.

Anyway, still no cue from Sunggyu-hyung.

**60, 07/06/17**

Finally. He beckoned me over after Woohyun left for a shower. He always takes ages, and shaves afterwards, so I knew we’d have plenty of time.

Sunggyu-hyung made no motion to get a light, like Woohyun-hyung does, but he shut and locked the door solidly, and I felt, rather than saw him move into my personal space like he owned it. He does.

**61, 08/06/17**

This morning, Myungsoo woke up but he didn’t join me. I heard him mutter ‘fucking madman’ though.

He’s wrong, I can say now. I’m sane. As sane as I’ve ever been. There was a time earlier on when I was losing it but I have ‘it’, whatever it may be, back now. He’s the one who is acting bipolar. Fuck him.

**62, 09/06/17**

Woohyun again today. I don’t know why I feel guilty but I can’t stop.

**63, 10/06/17**

Sunggyu-hyung, like Woohyun-hyung, gets in a good mood after …. After Sunggyu-hyung and I did it in the bathroom, he told me something. "Howonie, do you remember when I got mad because someone was snacking?"

"Yeah. How could I forget?" I turned wary.

He seemed a little pleased with himself. "I know who it was. I knew who it was at the time even."

"Then why did you interrogate all of us? You nearly fought with Woohyun!" I was very confused, and a little frustrated.

"You see, Howon-ah, this is why I'm the leader. First, I wanted to see if they would confess, then I'd go lighter on them. But I knew that the others might also consider stealing, so I had to show them how unacceptable it was." He was proud, which ticked me off.

I had nothing to reply, so I let the conversation pause and looked him in the eyes. There was pride there, but that was all, the rest was masked. I didn't quite trust him.

"Who was it? How did you know?" I didn't bother hiding my suspicion from him, as I knew he'd see through it anyway.

"It was Myungsoo. He signed it out of the inventory pretending to be one of us but I recognised his handwriting."

I didn't know he had it in him. Well, he is an actor, and he has been acting oddly. "Did you talk to him?"

"Yeah. He won't do it again." He smiled a little. "Don't worry, Howonie. Hyung's got this." He ruffled my hair a little and left first, as we arranged. We always leave a few minutes apart to avoid suspicion (he’s much more careful than Woohyun), and then I was alone, left with only my thoughts and doubts.

Later, while I was signing off the ingredients for dinner, I was irresistibly struck by Sunggyu-hyung's claim about Myungsoo's handwriting. It's not that I don't trust hyung, but I wanted to see it for myself.

So I did, I casually turned back the page, to avoid suspicion from Woohyun, who was sitting across the small room. I found it, at the very top of the page, 12 packs of ramen taken in one go, which was obviously irregular. But no matter how hard I looked, it just looked like Sunggyu-hyung's writing, which was odd, because it should only be Woohyun's and mine. Maybe I'm just bad at recognising Myungsoo's handwriting, because we're not close. Or maybe Sunggyu signed out 12 packs himself, just so he could scare us with them. How easy would it be to grab a ramen packet out of a bin, and tell me it was Myungsoo because he knows I don't talk to him...

Woohyun's voice interrupted my thoughts and I had to tear my eyes away from the sheet. Acting normal was hard but I think I fooled him. I won't tell him my suspicions. I'll take them to the grave.

**64, 11/06/17**

Call me crazy (Myungsoo) but I think I heard something while I was on the balcony today. A megaphone and speech, but I couldn’t make out the words. I might be hallucinating it but something tells me that it is real. Strangely enough, I don’t think I feel hopeful, but that is probably just me suppressing it, because I don’t want to be disappointed. I didn’t tell the others, but if I hear it again, I promise, I will.

**65, 12/06/17**

I opened Howon’s high-quality hairdressers again today. Is that a good name? I like it. Woohyun says that it’s stupid and it should be more like ‘Howonie’s hideous haircuts’ but I threatened to give him a bald patch so he shut up. I would say I’m not half bad, now. Sunggyu-hyung even offered me an extra snack because of my good work. Speaking of, he says he’s gonna scold Myungsoo and Dongwoo for not doing their job of keeping this place clean. It’s very dusty, Yeollie is sneezing a lot, but I don’t want to be in the room when Myungsoo gets angry (if he gets angry, he rarely does at Sunggyu but he’s weird now).

But speaking of food, everyone is thin now. I’d say we have around half of what we brought here left, just by volume, but what we use per day does vary and I haven't counted properly or anything.

Starving to death is my worst fear.

**66, 13/06/17**

Today, both Sunggyu and Woohyun called for me. It’s so strange. I think that maybe getting this new aspect of a relationship with Sunggyu is more expected than Woohyun.

Sunggyu-hyung and I have a deeper level of understanding of each other than anybody else in Infinite, I think. We certainly didn’t immediately hit it off, in fact, we fought and argued with each other from practically straight after meeting until debut. And we still aren’t an obvious type of ‘friends’ who buy each other presents and go shopping together or whatever, but what linked us was not conversations or meals or anything. It was who we were back then.

I'm a firm believer in that what you go through shapes who you are, and this is pretty evident in hyung and I. We both struggled with our fathers, money, and our dreams to become musicians, culminating in being kicked out. He's the only one who knows the splendid details of my childhood -  my father's rules, his words, his fists and his baseball bat. And I'm the only one to know the poverty he lived in, the ache seeing his noona suffer, and the weight of fending for himself in Seoul so young.

We connected with each other, probably because we had no-one else.

All this said, perhaps we should have turned out similar people. But we really haven't. Where hyung is our leader, decisive and self-assured, I just follow his commands and know nothing else, and I'd rather let people talk to me, rather than telling them what to do. Honestly, we're actually polar opposites, in every way, but I think this is the real result of the perfect synchronicity between two people - we fill in each other's gaps. Like yin and yang, like... bottles of water and the air that completes it that we leave in the practice room.

But I have to wonder - maybe it's not as equal as I say it is. It feels like hyung is the one that makes the calls, and I'm the one to shift and fill in his gaps. Recently, where he's taken the position of a distant, confident leader, I've filled in with talking and managing individual people - like Yeollie and Jongie, although it's not what I would have done before. And the way he commanded me today, and commands me in regular life - he might listen to me but there is no doubt that Sunggyu is the one in control. Maybe this is just another cog in our dichotomy - if one commands, one must be commanded. In some strange way, I even feel a little... owned, sometimes.

But this dichotomy has always been here - and Infinite, as a group of friends, rather than idols, was built upon it. Thus, the others shift according to it.

This is why the whole Woohyun and Sunggyu business is weird, but in an expected way. I suppose it boils down to this - I do what Sunggyu-hyung wants, and hyung wants me to do it with both of them. The weird thing was starting with Woohyun first - Sunggyu wouldn't have let him if he wasn't happy with it. Somehow, because of the bone-deep way I know him, I can tell that it was him who suggested asking Jongie, knowing I would step in, so he could kill two birds with one stone - Woohyun's annoying complaints, and test how I felt about doing it for him, too.

But I was a little surprised he's not possessive of me. That's not meant to sound vain but I know him - he is a possessive person (Seo Inguk - he's not happy with my friendships out of the group). He must think of both me and Woohyun as his, and he's just using us again, only in a new, previously forbidden realm - the sexual.

The other strange thing is - if Woohyun and him are both horny, why can't they just sort it out between themselves? Why bring me into it?

I guess I don't know every single thought of his. But he doesn't know every thought of mine either - he was testing his boundaries with me, seeing how far I'd go with him and Woohyun, if I'd agree at all.

The answer is clear to me - I'd do whatever he asks of me. Even if I haven't done it before, even if I think it's stupid, even if it kills me.

Why? For the pat on my back afterwards, and if I'm lucky, the smile and the compliment. The 'you did well today, Howon-ah' after a concert, or the 'fair point, Howonie' in a meeting, in front of everyone, or even the 'thank you, Howon' after I hand him a water bottle in the practice room, or I suck him off in his dark bedroom. It matters a lot to me, has since I bared my childhood and thus my soul to him seven years ago.

Then I came to care for Infinite, our members, our name, out music, and so did hyung. While it might have seemed like our little circle had grown a whole lot bigger, it didn't. We just built a bigger circle on top of our foundation. And while it may seem like I spend more time with Jongie and Dongwoo, and he spends more time with Myungsoo and Woohyun, it changes nothing. If anything it proves that our little circle doesn't need time together to bind us.

Yes, I care for the members a lot. But so does Sunggyu, and I trust him to make every call with only Infinite in his mind, like I want. I do it for him. Every time.

**67, 14/06/17**

**68, 15/06/17**

I didn’t write yesterday because I fell asleep in Yeollie’s closet with him. I’m kind of proud - I’m busy now, I have an active lifestyle, sometimes I even do exercise with Woohyun and Yeollie, who refuse to entirely lose their hard-earned muscles. Between Sunggyu and Woohyun, I never need to get myself off. I get restful nights and don’t remember my dreams or nightmares. I read and talk with Jongie and Yeollie about books (although they both have shit taste). They rely on me - for food, haircuts, handjobs, nail clipping and sassy humour (or so I like to think). In some ways we’re closer than ever before.

Excluding Dongwoo-hyung and Myungsoo, of course.

**69, 16/06/17**

I got with Woohyun today. I don’t know why I feel the need to write who I was with each day in here. I’m going to stop now, it makes me feel bad and it’s embarrassing.

Again, on the balcony I swear I heard something. It might have just been Dongwoo snoring though. I’m joking, but actually Seoul isn’t silent, when you really listen. There are still a few birds tweeting away - I’m not sure if I hadn’t noticed them earlier or if they really had left and came back. Although I haven’t seen or heard any animals like dogs on the ground I’m happy to see that at least some of them lived.

**70, 17/06/17**

I turned on my phone again today, checking for signal. There was none, of course. I miss my friends and Hojae.

**71, 18/06/17**

Our seventh anniversary passed by nine days ago and I forgot. I don’t think anyone even noticed. Oh well.

**72, 19/06/17**

Today he called me his seven-year itch. Sunggyu-hyung, that is.

When he stood up to put his shirt back on, he told me “You’ve gotten really damn good at this now.”

"Tell me something I don't know." I smirked.

"I've wanted to have sex with you for seven years." That was indeed something I didn't know. I had nothing to say. "I don't think that about other guys - I'm not gay. Being around you didn't irresistibly turn me on. I just wondered what it'd be like."

He confessed, casually. "You were always kind of special, different. I don't exactly see you as a man. And seeing you dance, and act as Kang Junhee, and around the others, sometimes, it's not like a man. Not a woman either though." He huffed, a little frustrated that he couldn't put it into words quite right. "I just... always wanted to try it. I think I get why now, though." It was pitch black, I couldn't read his face. "You're just sexy to me, Howon-ah."

My heart was somehow warmed, despite his odd confessions about how he saw my sexuality. It was a compliment - I'm special, I'm sexy.

I don't want to ever give up that position in hyung's heart.

**73, 20/06/17**

There was definitely some kind of noise - an announcement of a megaphone this morning, so I woke up Woohyun and Sunggyu. They sleep separately on opposite sides of the bed. I don’t know why I feel comforted by that fact.

They sat with me and listened on the balcony, and agreed with me. I am weirdly delighted by the confirmation that it was not just a hallucination. Then Sungyeol got up at exactly the wrong time and saw us perched outside so hyung called a group meeting and we told everyone.

Dongwoo (who I haven’t seen in so long considering we live separated by a thin wall) looked hopeful whilst Myungsoo seemed extremely skeptical. “There’s no way that they are rescuers. They would have come earlier.” He said, arms crossed. “It must be the war. It could be the enemy.” Sunggyu-hyung agreed and told us to wait and see, and told me, Jongie and Yeollie to take shifts looking out.

**74, 21/06/17**

We have started a rota where I watch in the morning (4am-12pm), Jongie the afternoon (12pm-8pm) and Yeollie sleeps during the day and watches through the night (8pm-4am). We have to be quiet during the day, so Yeollie can sleep, and we’re all on edge. You can now hear it from within the apartment, but we only have guesses as to what exactly the announcement is saying. I know neither Sunggyu nor Woohyun will call me until this is resolved. I am definitely not disappointed by this fact.

**75, 22/06/17**

It was a slightly accented female voice, repeating ‘Citizens of Seoul, please make yourselves known, do not exit your homes.’ It blared, seemingly metres away for the whole afternoon. We all sat, waiting, in the main room, looking out of the window. Sunggyu-hyung and Sungyeol nearly argued - Sungyeol wanted us to show ourselves immediately - ‘this is probably our only chance at rescue!’ but Sunggyu-hyung was more convinced by Myungsoo. It could be anybody, we agreed to wait and see when they did turn up our street. When the sound seemed so near I could feel it in the walls, we got in place in the main room, hidden by sofas and lying on the floor, to wait and see who it was.

Finally, a single large black car began to slowly drive up the road. We frantically whispered to each other, Sungjong forcibly stopped Yeollie from leaping up, but none of us could see a flag, or a logo through the fog that remained. And we all shut up when Sunggyu-hyung hissed “If they were really rescuers, why would they bring a single fucking car you morons!”. They stopped, up the road, and my blood ran cold. What if they saw us? What if they had seen me, sitting on the balcony one morning? Fuck.

We could make out three men in military gear and large gas masks over their faces stepping out of the car, but they headed to the opposite side of the road. It was only then that Jongie caught sight of a man and a woman waving their arms in a window of the bottom floor of an office building.

We sat in tense anticipation for people to emerge, but two minutes later, two gunshots rang out over the announcement. Three people left that house, and they drove on past us. We exhaled as one.

Everybody was shaken in the meeting which followed. Seoul is clearly under enemy control - probably North Korean. I couldn’t help checking the food store once more this evening. We discussed going into the rest of the apartment complex but Sunggyu-hyung says, with good reason, that we can’t go there as the gas is probably trapped in there.

I have never been claustrophobic, but our prospects have never looked so bleak. I would rather be anywhere but here (but I wouldn’t rather be with anyone else).

 **75, 22/06/17**  

I know I said I wouldn’t write about this again, but Woohyun called me again today, and we did it slowly and gently, like lovers would. But we’re not.

 

 

I was just sitting here, thinking of what else to write when Dongwoo-hyung suddenly snored on the couch. I didn’t even realise he was here. I wouldn’t have written in this diary if I knew. The others must not find this diary, it’s far too revealing. The thought terrifies me.

**76, 23/06/17**

Yeollie seems really sad again recently. Looks like he has been most affected by us losing our hope of rescue.

Sunggyu-hyung took Woohyun and I aside (the combination was extremely awkward, at least for me) and told us to start cooking less and saving more. I’m not sure how that’s possible, or how that can possibly be enough - they look so thin already, but I agree, we need to.

**77, 24/06/17**

After a 'chat' with Woohyun I went to have a shower, but upon testing the door, I found it locked. Myungsoo's voice floated out, "I'm almost done" so I waited in the corridor.

He opened the door and the second he saw me, his handsome face soured even more than usual. He pushed past me with a sound of disgust, leaving me confused and clueless as to why.

I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Myungsoo had left Dongwoo’s camping light on so I immediately saw the problem - my hair was a mess, my lips bruised red and worst of all, a large hickey was reddening, proudly on my neck. No wonder he was disgusted - but his problem with me started a long time ago, and I still don't know what it is.

He pisses me off, recently. With his shitty know-it-all attitude and constant sour expression and stealing Dongwoo-hyung for himself. No one else has ever singled me out as their sole target for aggression. I don’t know what to do with him.


	5. The Eye / Look Outside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry this chapter is brutal ^^  
> Warnings for violence but not gore

**79, 26/06/17**

Today I pulled Jongie aside and asked him if he knows what is really going on in Myungsoo and Dongwoo-hyung’s room. If anyone would know, it’d be him - he shares their room after all, although it seems like he only sleeps in there, on an inflatable mattress on the floor.

He led me into the bathroom and locked the door. “Honestly, hyung, I’m not sure either. They argue really often, about stupid stuff, about the others, and about you too. Myungsoo seems to not like you very much anymore. But whenever I come back to the room, they’re just lying on the bed, whispering to each other. They don’t talk to me much. Or, Myungsoo-hyung ignores me. Dongwoo-hyung seems normal though.” He sighed. “The thing is, back when we first were locked in here, Dongwoo-hyung didn’t take it very well. He misses his family a lot. Myungsoo-hyung pulled me aside, then, and told me to be extra nice to Dongwoo-hyung, and to leave him alone. Myungsoo knew how to handle him. ‘He’s delicate, you see’ he told me.”

That explained some things. “But why does he hate me so much?”

“You’re not the only one, hyung. He’s distant to me too. And he argued with Sunggyu-hyung the other day, and that never happens.” He sighed, again. “He’s grown up a lot - he’s damn opinionated now. But he still won’t take a fucking shower!” That’s our cute maknae.

“You’ve grown up a lot too, Sungjongie. Cursing about your hyungs too, now, huh?” I ruffled his hair, but it was awkward as he is taller than me now.

“But... what’s going on with you and Woohyun-hyung? You’re not fighting too, are you?” He looked a sad and burdened. It made my heart break a little with guilt.

Fuck it. “Honestly? He haven’t been fighting. We’ve been getting each other off.”

He looked _relieved_. “Oh phew! I don’t know what I’d do if even you two were arguing.” That’s it? That’s his reaction?? He looked only a little awkward. “What? I get it, okay. Fair enough.” His face turned sour. “Wait… You don’t do it in the kitchen, do you? Gross, hyung.” I actually chuckled a little. He didn’t wait for me to deny it. “And how have you been doing, hyung?” He looked straight into my eyes with honesty.

I did not think about jumping off the balcony. “I…” His question touched me, as always happens when our maknae shows his compassion for us. “I’m surviving, I guess. As well as I can. I don’t have nightmares like I did before anymore.”

He hugged me. I had to hold back tears, as I think he did too. “That’s good. I’m glad.”

I love him so much. If something were to happen to him I don’t know what I’d do.

**80, 27/06/17**

I talked to Dongwoo hyung while he was walking back from the bathroom, just about innocent topics - the food, the weather, the date. But surely enough, Myungsoo’s voice floated out of his room, ‘hyung, can you help me with this?’ Dongwoo-hyung gave me an apologetic smile and returned to their room.

An hour later, he came out again, looking normal. “Howonie, can you cut my hair for me?” he asked. I seized the opportunity. I think I did a good job. He looks exactly the same as he did when we got here, now. But when I asked him to help me with dinner he made an excuse and went back to his room.

I brought it up to Woohyun-hyung but he just shrugged. He said Myungsoo wasn’t acting that weird to him. I wonder what Sunggyu-hyung’s plan is.

**81, 28/06/17**

Maybe I should tell Woohyun-hyung. About me and Gyu-hyung. Or I should at least ask Sunggyu-hyung what he thinks.

**82, 29/06/17**

I had a big, big fight with Myungsoo today.

He walked in after Sunggyu-hyung had left for the bathroom after one of our... sessions. I was lying on their bed in the afterglow, and he walked in without knocking with a normal 'hey, hyu-'

The evidence was in the air - he must have smelt it, but thankfully I had tidied it up with tissues and put a t-shirt and boxers on. I didn't think to pretend I was asleep, but he might have left me alone if I had.

I looked to him and was greeted with the snarl of disdain that I always see nowadays, marring his handsome face. He closed the door, silently, and walked up to the bed. I just watched him, as if I was challenging him to say something.

"Whatever you're doing - playing around with the hyung's hearts - it ends now, you hear me?" He spoke quietly with his deep voice so he wouldn't be heard.

That condescending look on his face was what I hated. "No. Fuck you. What's your fucking problem?" I spat out, keeping my voice equally quiet.

"Don't act like you're not in the wrong here, Lee Howon. You're fucking with Woohyun AND Sunggyu-hyung. Cut it out or you won't like what'll happen. Do-" The son of a bitch was threatening me. He was less scary to me than a fucking cat or something. It was almost funny, pathetic, seeing him try to scare me off. I faced down a man ten times scarier than him when I was eight.

I almost laughed. "Fuck off, Myungsoo. I'm doing it 'cos they asked me to. That's right, your beloved hyungs asked me to get them off. So if you have a fucking problem, take it out on them, and not me."

"You're a fucking whore!" He wasn't scary but he could act like it, I'd give him that. "Hyung comes complaining to you and you get on your damn knees for him. And then again for Sunggyu-hyung... because he asked nicely? I think fucking not." He was red, and ready to physically fight. "Do you even know what you're doing to the group? How much you've messed up because you couldn't keep it in your pants until we got out?"

"Fuck off!" I shouted back, not trying to keep the volume down anymore. Unknowingly I had stood up.

"You're ruining the hyungs. You're a fucking fag-" I punched him in his handsome, scowling face. He fell against the door.

I stood there for a second, in shock, because our band fights only reached physical combat a few times, and those were all between Sunggyu, Woohyun and Sungyeol a long time ago. It had been even longer since I had raised my fist at someone.

He righted himself, and then lunged. He got in a solid kick to my kneecap - where he knew I'd been injured last year. It buckled a bit, he's one strong motherfucker. It's easy to forget that while I'm known for being 3rd dan in taekwondo, he's 2nd dan, though my teacher would have cried at the techniques we used.

We stopped shouting at each other and let out our frustrations with our fists. Eventually I pushed him onto the bed and solidly hit his solar plexus. He flipped us over, punched me in the face, which hurt like my childhood, and then he slipped his hands to my neck. And he held them there, squeezing.

I've never been choked before. It should probably have been more terrifying than it was.

I clawed at his arm, but I didn't really fight back - there was no point. We'd end this useless fight quicker if I didn't, and then Myungsoo would tell me what his real problem is, I hoped.

But Woohyun and Sungyeol barged in, then. Somebody said 'what the fuck' and then everybody was talking over each other and swearing and pulling Myungsoo off me. He pushed Sungyeol back, hard, but Woohyun and Sungjong managed to pull him off me.

I had to lay there for a minute, my vision swirling with black and fuzz and chaos, but I noticed Dongwoo-hyung frozen in the doorway. Myungsoo was fighting Sungyeol’s hold on the other side of the room.

My hearing slammed back into place and I heard him shouting at them, not like he used to with pathetic high pitched screams, but like a feral beast, a man with nothing left to lose. Then his words were coherent again; "...you're gonna let this happen? Let Infinite fall apart because of him? That's not the Howon we used to have! He's changed since we got here! Our Howon would never..."

He threw them off him, somehow, and launched himself back at me, hit me once more, and strangled me again, harder. "Does Woohyun even fucking know? That you're doing it with Sunggyu-hyung too?" He screamed, raw and rabid. Jongie was screaming 'stop it!'

Woohyun-hyung pushed him off me again and onto the floor. He gave him a solid kick to the gut, and then another, and another, as Myungsoo curled up.

Finally, Sunggyu-hyung pushed past Dongwoo-hyung in the doorway. I realise now that he probably didn't even know about Woohyun, let alone Sunggyu.

Sunggyu-hyung didn't need to say anything for us all to stop. There were a few seconds where we just all stood there, silent and still while his eyes panned over us and we waited for his judgment to come. It's amazing how even with his hair wet from a shower and no shirt on, revealing his pitiful, thin body, Sunggyu-hyung has control over us with just a look.

"What the hell is going on here, Howon?" His dark eyes focused on me.

I sat up and tried to speak - I made a sound, but words couldn't come out, only a sliver of breath. I'm not sure if that was the strangling or my state of mind.

I almost sighed in relief as his intense eyes found a new target. "Woohyun?"

"I came in and saw Myungsoo strangling the shit out of Howon, so Sungyeol and I stopped him."

"You were kicking him into the ground, Woohyun. Why?"

Woohyun's eyes steeled - he's the only one who can match Sunggyu-hyung like this. "He was beating the shit out of Howon, that's why!"

Myungsoo was kneeling, clutching his middle, "He attacked me!" He sounded desperate.

Hyung's dreadful eyes turned back to me. "Did you, Howon?"

I couldn't look him in the eye and gave up. "Yes." I rasped out.

He sighed. "Was it about us? And you and Woohyun?"

I nodded. I felt my knee hurt, and my ribs and my face and neck, since the adrenaline started wearing off. It hurt to breathe at all, let alone talk. I spoke "Yes" all the same.

"Myungsoo, leave him alone. Go to your room." He commanded. "Everyone, go back to your rooms. Nothing to see here anymore."

 

Sunggyu-hyung looked me over and then went to check on Myungsoo. Dongwoo, Sungjong and Sungyeol were whispering to each other in the lounge. Sungjong looked at me with pity. I couldn’t look the others in the eye, now that they know. Woohyun stayed with me and did what he could to patch me up. We think one of my ribs is cracked or fractured, and it hurts to move my upper body and expand my ribcage. Every breath is agonising.

He stayed silent about the argument. I still have no idea if he knew that I was also doing it with Sunggyu-hyung too, but his hands were gentle and his mouth firmly shut, so I followed suit.

I didn't feel guilty, I don't owe him. I never promised him anything.

**83, 30/06/17**

Today I got Woohyun-hyung off again. I went to shower afterwards and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror (it seems like it has been avoiding me recently. I wonder if staying in here long enough will turn me into a vampire).

My jaw is tinged blue, and so are my wrists - in dark bracelets that I recognise from a long time ago. They felt odd, disjointed, out of place, like I was wearing my mother's jewellery.

The most obvious was a necklace of black. It was even harder to talk today. In the dark, Woohyun-hyung, especially gentle today, tried to kiss it better but in the cold light of the the camping light. It's painfully obvious, but it's kind of pretty. I like it.

My favourites are the scratches, carved by Myungsoo's long, uncared for fingernails. They're everywhere he could reach - my arms, my face and the back of my neck, little red welts. I ran my finger underneath my ears and they felt like tiny speed bumps.

I have cut everyone but his and Dongwoo-hyung's fingernails. I should at least sneak them the clippers, because Myungsoo certainly won't let me do theirs myself anymore. Not now I've fucked everything up - he must be bearing matching bruises to me. Or rather, a complementary set. A bruise on the other side of his jaw, a clear neck but an abdomen tainted purple.

That was Woohyun-hyung though. I think he's even angrier than me. He didn't make their room food today, but I slipped them both meals. I feel bad for Dongwoo-hyung the most. Myungsoo was right, he is delicate, and I should at least have not let him find out like that.

But Sunggyu-hyung says to avoid the both of them, so I will.

**84, 01/07/17**

My bruises have blossomed today - dark hues of blue, black and purple like daisies dyed dark. Jongie looked at my neck and whispered 'oh my god, hyung...'. I'm sure I saw awe mixed in with the disgust in his eyes.

You can just make out fingers at the edges, linked to the nail prints, and I traced Myungsoo’s hands on my wrists too.

I couldn't cover them up even if I wanted to, but there's no point - I only see Infinite these days and now they all know everything about me. Even that I'm doing stuff with Woohyun and Sunggyu.

The bruises are just jewellery - and my shackles.

**85, 02/07/17**

Seoul city is still beautiful in the mornings. The sunrise is tinged green.

Today when I traced the handprint bruises I squeezed. It's a comforting kind of pain. I will stay out of Myungsoo's way.

**86, 03/07/17**

Sunggyu-hyung accidentally grabbed my right wrist while I was helping little Sunggyu out today. I gasped and it brought tears to my eyes but I didn't make him stop.

The bruises are going brown and yellow in places, and there's a full rainbow on my jaw now. It's kind of a pity though - it shows that they're healing.

**87, 04/07/17**

At around 3am last night/this morning/whatever, Dongwoo-hyung woke me up. He gestured to be quiet, and we I followed him onto the balcony.

It was nice and warm and balmy - it’s July now, after all. He said he just wanted to talk to me and that he missed me. I asked him “What is up with you and Myungsoo, though? It looks like he’s not letting you leave that room.” He gave me a fake smile.

“He’s just overprotective. He thinks he needs to look after me, but I just let him because he needs something to do. He’s not taking being trapped in here very well. I think he’s getting claustrophobic.” When I asked him what his problem is with me, Dongwoo-hyung laughed. “He doesn’t have a problem with you, Howon. If he’s acting weirdly, it’s because he’s in a grumpy mood, that’s all.”

If I wasn’t his friend of seven years, I might have believed him.

We moved on to talk about inane things. It was nice, and I realised that I missed him a lot, and I told him to come again, when he can, and then he crept back to his prison.

**88, 05/07/17**

The bruises are quickly dissipating. Now they’re going, and I talked with Dongwoo-hyung I feel like I am waking up. The past few days feel like a dream. In fact, all eighty eight of these crazy days feel like a brief nightmare. I can fix things with Myungsoo, and we can go back to practice rooms and takeaway and concerts soon. In the meantime, at least I can dream of it.

**89, 06/07/17**

I hung out with Yeollie today in his closet. Jongie joined us for a while. At least those two have kept up a normal friendship. We wrote the plot of a fun kdrama, giving each other roles in it too. Sungyeol really does have an active imagination, which is probably how he manages to stay entertained in this closet all day. He then (embarrassedly) revealed to me that he has a notebook full of ideas - for fiction, plays, dramas and books alike which he has written.

He talked animatedly about them, which was really nice to see. We’re going to talk more about it. I’m excited.

I wonder if he’ll ever get to publish them, or maybe even get them performed.

**90, 07/07/17**

2am. I woke up because I felt a presence climbing over my feet, up over my knees and reaching for my face again. This time there was no screaming.

But then solid hands clamped around my neck and squeezed, again, and I opened my eyes, tearing up, to see a familiar, godlike, handsome face twisted into a familiar snarl.

Gasping, I let my hands wander to his arms and clamp on, over his freshly healed bruises. They didn't pull him off though. I tried to move but nothing happened. Instead I looked into his eyes and searched for what he wanted from me until my eyes were forced to tear up in pain. It hurt even more, the pressure on my healing skin and crushed windpipe. Subconscious tears ran down my face. They pooled on his warm hands.

"You aren't even trying to stop me, crazy bastard." He hissed. I choked a weak cry out. "You want this, don't you. You want to-" Matching tears ran down his face. That was a Myungsoo I'm more familiar with. They dripped onto my face, one landed on my lips. It was cold and salty. The dim light from the moon reflected off his tears and his ruined his once perfect features. My mother told me if you pull one face for long enough it'll get stuck that way - but his snarl shattered in a second.

His hands loosened and so did mine. He edged back and crawled into a ball against the sofa, hands over his eyes. Like a real kid. He sobbed, and gasping, I regained my breathing.

He kept on brokenly crying 'hyung', quietly, but I have no idea which one he was calling for.

A few minutes later he suddenly got up and went to the bathroom. He slammed the door and it echoed in the silence he left behind.

I'm writing this now, while he's in the bathroom. I have to stop before he comes out and catches me writing. If he, or anyone else read this I think I'd really just die.

 

-

 

I accidentally fell asleep before he went back, but the bathroom door was open when I woke up. You can't see any new bruises so I won't mention it to Sunggyu-hyung. He'd be angry with both of us and I don't want to make it worse. I'm not even sure it wasn't a dream.

But I'm in high spirits - and I'm making sure everybody knows, well, except Myungsoo and his pet. I asked Jongie to bring them their food today. But I played a game of cards with Yeollie and Sunggyu-hyung and offered my help with the washing to Jongie. He declined, with pity in his eyes. I didn't let him get to me.

And I helped out Woohyun-hyung today. He took it slow, and carefully got me off with him. He kissed my collarbone and left a hickey there. Now all of my skin is marked in one way or another. It felt a little disgusting for a second though, in the dim light of his room, when he ran his fingers over every bruise and every thin rib that protrudes from translucent skin now I've lost so much weight. He kissed the cracked one, so lightly, so carefully, that I felt it but it didn't hurt. I almost wished he'd turn the light off like Sunggyu-hyung and quickly keep going, but it sent trills of pleasure down my spine that I haven't ever felt before.

It's like every time with him is a new discovery.

It's even harder to speak, now. I can barely rasp thanks to the combined efforts of my sore rib and crushed windpipe, but I don't think I'll die or it'll last. I must be happy about that.

What I do know, however, after seeing Myungsoo's confusion last night, is that I must talk with him. He's still a kid at heart, more so than Jongie or Yeollie in many ways. He's fragile, picky and possessive over his toys, although I'm still not sure what exactly I did to rub him up the wrong way. But I want to know, and I want to fix it.

Because this isn't like us - this isn't the Infinite I love.

**91, 08/07/17**

I got up at 3am to use the bathroom last night, but I collapsed on the way back, in the middle of the kitchen. I was sound asleep when Dongwoo tripped over me with a loud thud. He got up, checked over me, I pretended to still be sleeping, and then he walked on.

I was awake enough to see Myungsoo creep out of their room. He was probably worried after the crash. He saw me and hurried over. I feigned sleep again.

He rolled me over and seemed to be checking me for wounds. On a whim, I let my eyes open and his met mine in the hazy darkness. I probably should have felt afraid. I'm not sure how long he stayed there for but it was more than a few seconds.

The toilet flushed and he ghosted back into his room. Surely enough, Dongwoo came out and this time carefully walked around me.

I wasn't about to get any more sleep so I went to my usual spot and wrote this.

I miss Dongwoo-hyung. And I miss our old Myungsoo. But I don't know how to get them back. I don't even know if I can.

**92, 09/07/17**

The bruises have faded. I miss them.

**93, 10/07/17**

Another day passes. Why am I writing this? I should rather forget it all.

**94, 11/07/17**

I had another night time visit, but I don't know how to think anymore. Tonight it was different.

Myungsoo and Dongwoo were arguing in hushed tones again, and then there was quiet. About five minutes after the noise died down, Myungsoo left his room. This time he ignored me and went straight to the bathroom. He was only a minute or so in there, until he stormed out, quietly, towards me. He held my gaze and kneeled down. I sat up, ready to talk.

He lunged and put his hand over my mouth in one swift movement. After a quick struggle he pinned my wrist on the floor and my body with his weight. I tried to push him off, properly, but he stayed there. He didn't even say anything. He just glared at me with those contempt-filled eyes. Except I noticed that there was no contempt this time, but wonder. Wonder, a gory sort, and pride. And arousal.

I realised that what I felt on my abdomen was that he was hard, and my eyes widened in shock. His mirrored mine and he pushed me back and ran off, noisily. I was left, alone again, wondering what the fuck he is up to now.

I don't know him at all anymore. I don't know this Myungsoo at all, or in fact I don't know this man who shares my friend of seven years's body - who took it over. He is possessed by an arrogant spirit, which contorts his handsome gentle face into that hateful mask. It's the only possible explanation. I think I need to sleep.

But I can't anymore.

**95, 12/07/17**

I think that while I was lying there, trapped, in Myungsoo's hands, some kind of connection between my mind and my body, or maybe my mind and the world, snapped. Broke cleanly in two.

I'm untethered now, free to climb the skies like a balloon a child let go of in a McDonalds car park. The boy watches in awe as it climbs higher and higher until he can't see it again. Then he cries, until his father steps out of a car and hits him again to make him 'man up'. Or maybe his friend chokes him because it wasn't his balloon to lose, or because he was jealous and now neither of them can have it. Then the balloon is gone forever, lost to the sky.

I can sit on the balcony and think of jumping off as much as I want, thank you very much. You can't judge me, Kim Myungsoo, I don't scream in my sleep anymore. Instead, my heart beats fast when Woohyun does his special cheeky smile, or when Sunggyu closes the door to his room and you can't stop that. Even I can't stop it, no matter how hard I've tried. I just can't help it either, when instead of running my hands through Yeollie and Jongie's hair I let them wrap around my neck and squeeze over your bruises. I don't want them to fade just yet. Those are your marks on me, your gift to me, and they are my pretty jewellery now. Just like how I cut Dongwoo-hyung's hair and you didn't, Myungsoo. Jealous?

You might be right about me being crazy though, haha.

 

I found an unsent text on my phone when I turned it on to check for signal. I don't remember writing it at all. It was to my mother:

_Mother? Mother..._

_I'm so fucked up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)  
> BTW sorry I don't mean to portray Myungsoo as homophobic. It will all be explained soon.


End file.
